I have spent most of the day being quite a grump; annoyed by every little thing (although, in my defense, I had a baby that would not stop crying unless he was asleep or eating ALL DAY LONG). Juan spent much of the day trying to be helpful & dodge my sarcastic barbs. But by the end of the day, he pretty much gave up & went to bed alone. I am now up waiting for my Amish friendship bread to be done baking, folding 4 loads of laundry, and blogging about my stupidity.
Why do there have to be days like this? (mama said, mama said, mama said there'd be days like this, there'd be days like this my mama said) You know what the really sad thing is? I could be going back to that bedroom right now & apologizing, but instead I'm typing about it... Seriously? I suck.
I think the most unexpected part about becoming a parent is losing my husband. I know that sounds extreme, but we have had little to no time to connect over the last 5 months, and I feel the distance growing. I know that he loves me and all of that, it's just that we're not what we once were, and I fear we never will be again. I just wish he'd hug me (other than at bed time), and play with my hair (weird I know, but it's my favorite)... I wish he'd see me or rather look at me like he did before I got all huge & pregnant. I wish I could be the wife I once was, love & respect him the way I used to... I wish I was deserving of the same in return... Sadly, I'm not right now, but it's something to work on. I am hoping that as CJ grows, we will have more time to connect, even if it's in a different way... because I miss US... (don't get me wrong though, i love being a mommy & i love my baby boy)
Juan, If you are reading this, I am sorry... If you are not, I am working up the nerve to say so out loud... although you don't know that, because you're not reading this... i should stop typing...
Here's an old photo of us, pre-CJ...
May God bless you today.
two things, one, it's quite possible he looks at you in that way still, but you're missing it because you're too busy being a mom (not that that's bad on your part, just that's life.)
ReplyDeletetwo, having been a mom (of 3) for seven years, it is absolutely vital to your marriage that you get a sitter and hang out together! or (as you mentioned in your last post) put the baby to bed early and hang out while he's sleeping before you guys go to bed. two or three nights a week, brandon and i watch a movie together after all the kids are in bed, even if we're tired and one or the other gives a foot rub or something. it's helpful.
oops, i lied, three. make sure you guys are communicating! dad's go through a lot when little people are born as well, but most people focus on the mom's and forget about the dads. dads can get post-partum too. weird. but for the man, it's hard because they have this new bundle of joy that brings on a whole world of worries they never had before AND their wives change drastically in the bedroom department AND moms tend to be very "this is the only way to take care of the baby" and it makes things hard on them, they don't want to do the wrong thing at the wrong time. that's where talking to each other helps.
Love you both! Things will get better and you will not get back to where you were, but to a better place with each other!
Dear sweet Rachel,
ReplyDeleteYou will have days like this...and they are unpleasant, and hard to have. Try taking CJ for a walk together and hold hands . The laundry will always be there, fold it together. Emotionally being a new mom can suck, so try to get extra rest.
I am praying for you honey!
Kathryn
I concur with Mamakat! When you bring a child into a marriage is changes things. You have to figure out your relationship all over again. I have a friend who says that with every kid it's like throwing a big pile of leaves into the air and letting them settle. Your relationship with Juan is going to change but if you work through it it will be better then ever! The first year is always the hardest too since there is so much change with CJ, you and Juan. Give yourselves time and some room to have "off" days, we all have them, trust me! And I can attest to Josh and I being in the most amazing place we have ever been in our marriage after 2 kids, body changes and the like!!! Date nights are great too and they will come. Just be encouraged that it happens to all of us and the "I'm sorry" really goes a long way.
ReplyDeleteThis is all too familiar to pretty much every couple who has a baby!! I promise you. I htink that it is definitly up to both of you to change it though and its super hard once you get in the habbit of ignoring eachother for your children. Most of the time Im SO tired at the end of the day after work and kids that by the time her gets home I just want tobe alone. It SUUUUCKS!
ReplyDeleteRachel; I agree with Kat 1000%!!! I have been around her and brandond the begining and some of the hard! and they are still doing great!!! she has great advice!!!!!
ReplyDeleteThings get better; Also it sounds like you need some ME time; go do something alone- go to the grocery store; go walk target or get a pedi- or do something that you are alone- or a lunch dinner date with some friends. no kids no husband. everyone needs that! and I was that way while i was on leave and only talked to my two kids and husband- and things are better now that I get adult time at work! things will get better; get some time to step back and look at things. he loves you and still looks at you the way he once did. but you may not see it or he may not say it or show it because Carter is taking up that free time he you guys use to have before he was there.
Sweet Rachel ... life is a journey. You have chosen to follow Jesus on The Way. Juan and you met on that journey, and together you have brought CJ along with you. Just keep following Jesus and you will find a way to include those you love.
ReplyDeleteThe most important thing to remember is that your value is based on what Jesus thinks of you ... and Jesus loves you totally just as you are -- even while you are always changing and growing!
Relax into this love and let it fill you up and displace your harsh judgments (of self and others) ... then that love will be able to anchor you -- and your perspective of life and Juan and CJ will line up better.
Never give up -- never surrender! (Smiling and thinking of Galaxy Quest ... hope you have seen it!)
Love you....
So I would've cried reading through this, had I not actually run outta tears for the day...I want to say that you are WAY too hard on yourself, but I kinda think that's expected because our model was also a "not so perfect mom"---just like you, Rach. And she impacted us in such a profound way that we've been running around like chickens with our heads cut off trying to fix ourselves and those closest to us. What God is teaching me as I look back on my own "boulevard of broken dreams"---failed marriage, failure graduate on time or to save a sick mom, failure to be strong enough to carry my Dad and sisters through the worst storm of our young lives is: Duh! I'm the only one strong enough so cast your cares on me and trust that they are safe in my arms and hands. I love you and I'm sorry I couldn't help you...until recently I didn't have a clue how to take care of myself and let go of it all. Wanna start over as not only sisters, but also friends?
ReplyDelete