What do I do????

Okay Moms of the world unite:
What do you do with a baby that won't stop screaming & crying?... Here are the things I have tried:

1. Feeding him
2. Changing him
3. Rocking him
4. Walking him
5. Putting him down on a blanket to play
6. Putting him in the excersaucer
7. Putting him in the jumper
8. Putting him in his crib
9. Laying w/ him in my bed
10. Putting him in his carseat
11. Going for a walk
12. Going for a drive
13. PRAYING
14. Feeding him again
15. Rocking him again
16. Calling Juan while he's working and just crying and crying
17. Juan coming home from working to hold him for 10 minutes so that I don't throw him out the window
18. Rubbing his gums
19. Rubbing his belly
20. Giving him gripe water
21. Giving him gas drops
22. Giving him teething tablets
23. Giving him infant Tylenol (generic)
24. Putting in a movie
25. Putting on music
26. Letting him roll around on the floor
27. Putting him on his belly
28. Putting him on his back
29. Reading to him
30. Singing to him
31. Talking to him
32. Crying with him
33. Feeding him again
34. Rocking him again
35. Putting him in the Moby Wrap and walking with him

I am out of ideas and SO SO SO tired and frustrated. I am wondering why God made me a mom. I am so not cut out for this. How can this kid go 6 months as an absolute delight and then suddenly turn into this... :( HELP!

May God bless you today...

Worst day of motherhood so far...

My beautiful boy was a complete terror today! ...Seriously, he was crying the ENTIRE day. I have no idea what's going on with him. He has never ever ever had a day like this before. Didn't want to eat, didn't want to sleep, didn't want to play, bounce, jump, swing, roll, be held, be put down, be tickled, smiled at, etc etc etc...

So, as you can imagine, after a day like this, I want to go crash. Good night. Here's hoping tomorrow brings me my happy boy back.

God, please give us all rest, and please help me to have more patience tomorrow. Also, less screaming would be nice, amen.

May God bless you today.

Solid Food!!!

We started CJ on rice cereal on Wednesday, and he did SO well! :) I think he was happy to finally be in on "dinner" at the table... He usually sits in his high chair or bumbo and whines and stares at our food. I did, however, have the wrong consistency on the first night (very very runny...). I followed the "first feeding" directions on the box, and realized, that's what people feed to their babies in a bottle, and I am SO not into that... So, last night, we got the correct consistency and he seemed to like it even more! :) He was a messy little guy, but he was a happy camper.

Can I just say: that stuff is hard to clean off! Juan wiped him down w/ a wet wipe, and about 1/2 hour later when I was going to nurse him, there was rice cereal flaking off his face... Note to self: use a washcloth w/ warm water tonight! It was really fun to feed him "real" food, though... However, the entire time I was thinking: How did this happen? How did he get so big? He can't be old enough for this... I guess all moms go through these moments (moments when you realize: "he's not going to be a baby forever, is he?"... :( So I am now even more focused on loving every little moment I have with him!

And I am so excited!!! My friend Heather is coming over on Monday so we can make baby food!!! :) We will be using: http://www.wholesomebabyfood.com/. This resource has been recommended to me by a couple fellow mommies whom I trust, so I thought I'd pass it on to you! :)

Now here's a question for you fellow breastfeeding mamas: have you started your period yet?... CJ is almost 6 months old, and I haven't had one. Is that normal?... I keep thinking maybe I'm pregnant, but that's probably irrational... Just wondering what's "normal"... & YAY, it's Friday! We get Daddy time this weekend!!!!!!!

In unrelated news: I am SO the kind of person that loves to re-arrange furniture often! Even as a kid, I loved to change the setup of my bedroom, however, with a house it's a little more difficult. I have, however convinced Juan to help me re-arrange our living room today (because the current set-up is not conducive to a baby rolling around/crawling around), and I am so excited! This is only the 3rd or 4th time I've been able to re-arrange it since we bought our house over 2 years ago! ...Anyone else like me?

Here's a solid food pic for you!

The Shower; My Haven

This may just be me, but showering is my ONE escape from this crazy baby-filled life! I used to be a pretty quick shower-er, but now I take my time... It is just so amazing to be alone and clean at the same time! That's a near impossibility as a mom. Especially now that CJ is teething, by the time Juan comes home from work, I just NEED to be hosed off!

Today I was covered in spit up, slobber, and probably some poop... Not to mention my arms felt like they were going to fall off, because my sad little guy is getting big! I think that taking a shower daily is essential (not for hygienic purposes, but for sanity), but that doesn't mean I always get one! I don't know about you, but I need to be clean to feel human... Otherwise, I just feel like a dirty-mommy-zombie.

One more thing I've found that snaps me out of this black hole called motherhood: WALKING! (To be clear: I love being a mom, it is just a very hard job...) The weather is perfect right now for brisk walks, and *bonus: it puts CJ to sleep! I have noticed that on days that I take a good walk, I get home with more energy than when I left, and I am generally more productive the rest of the day!

Sadly, I didn't get a walk in today, but I did get a shower... Luckily, CJ napped well today, so I was able to get some stuff done around the house, and he slept 10 hours last night, here's hoping for a repeat!

May God bless you today.

CHEAP diapers!!!

I absolutely HAVE TO share something with all of you!!! My dear friend, Megan, told me about an amazing deal on diapers today, and I am so crazy excited about it!!! If you have already heard of this, please forgive me... I am a bit behind. It is through amazon.com/mom! If you sign up (which is FREE), you automatically get 15% off of all baby stuff you buy on amazon, plus free shipping! It gets better... If you sign up for a diaper and/or wipe subscription (which can be anywhere from every 1-6 months), you get an extra 15% off, and if you sign up for a free magazine subscription through Parenting magazine, you will get monthly coupons for either 20% off or $10 off, and if you have more than one, you can use them all! I signed up for a monthly subscription of Huggies for CJ (little snugglers, size 2, 144 ct.) and I paid $6.37. That is a $40 case of diapers! I am in diaper heaven! Please do yourself a favor & sign up already! :)

The Pee Pee Bath

Bath time is the BEST time of day for our little guy! He starts giggling as soon as the clothes start coming off, because he SO knows what's coming. We are very strict about his bedtime routine; it is the same EVERY single day, and he thrives with it this way.

Here's our bedtime routine: (starting between 8 & 8:30pm)
1. Bath
2. Massage, clean ears, nose, etc.
3. Jammies
4. Book
5. Breastfeed
6. Bed

This routine has been golden for us! BUT... what do you do when someone (the baby) throws a curve ball during the routine??? I guess it depends on the parent.

Last night CJ decided to go pee pee (or urinate for those of you that don't use "baby" words) in the bathtub! :( ugh... This left Mommy & Daddy with three options: a) empty the bath, clean it, and refill to start over, b) take him out right away and end the bath, or c) use a little more soap and continue as though it didn't happen... the perfect Mom probably would've chosen option a, but, um... we went with c! He was fine, a little pee never hurt anyone, right???... So, there you go. The pee pee bath.

Tonight our routine was thrown off by something else: A teething baby... Imagine that! He is really struggling w/ nursing; I guess the suction really can intensify the pain, and he was not having it! After some tylenol & teething tabs, he finally calmed down enough to take a bottle, and once he had taken about 2 ounces, I was able to get him to nurse. He didn't go down until after 10pm :( poor baby. Hopefully tomorrow is better, but you never know with this kid. He is, however, delightfully happy a lot of the time, it's really just eating and sleeping/napping time when he gets really upset. Hope you all had a good weekend, Monday here we come!

May God bless you today.

Sleepless nights

Judging by the title of this entry, you probably expected to hear about a baby that's waking me up all night, etc... well, that was the case last night, but not tonight... Last night CJ woke about every 3 hours crying in pain and just wanting mommy to hold him & let him chew on my fingers, which of course I did. Then finally @4am I decided to give him some infant tylenol (as the teething tabs have been recalled, never got to try them), and finally he slept for a good 4 hours before waking up for the day. He also was too cranky to nap well today, and again, just wanted me to hold him and let him chew on my fingers...

After reading all of that, you're probably thinking: "gee, you must be tired...". Yes, I am. However, I have developed some kind of Mommy-insomnia or something. I get in bed and just think and think and think... and then every noise I hear worries me, and every sound CJ makes worries me, and I start thinking: "I better not fall asleep, because as soon as I do, he'll need me..." Which is NEVER the case... And I've been having pretty severe back and neck pain, which keeps me awake too, even after stretching. Experienced mommies of the world, is this normal? AND: I must admit that I am starting to long for CJ to wake up and need me... he's getting so big that I feel like I'm going to blink & he'll be off to college and not need me at all anymore. :( Sad mommy.... Also, I had TONS of work to get done today (which I just finished, yay me!)...

All this to say: I'm awake! & it's 12:42am... CJ went down at 9:30... what's my problem??? I should be sleeping! Hopefully I will get into a better groove as far as sleep goes soon... & Tomorrow is FRIDAY!!! All the stay-at-home-moms of the world say: AMEN!... that means Daddy's home for the weekend and I can get some other stuff done besides being my son's personal slave... um, i mean mom! :)

May God bless you today.

Just had to add this photo for your viewing pleasure! Isn't his expression hilarious??? I can tell already he's going to be quite the comedian! :) & that is his beautiful gal-pal Addison. Isn't she a doll??? :)

The one income budget

Some people may think we're crazy, but me being a stay-at-home mom was non-negotiable for us. We decided to start a family intentionally and have chosen to make any necessary sacrifices to raise CJ ourselves. I know that not everyone is cut out to be a stay-at-home mom (my mom wasn't), but I am. This doesn't mean it's easy and I always like it, but it does mean that we are committed to raising our son a certain way, and we are especially concerned with his growth and development in these small but important years before he becomes school-aged. What does this mean for our budget?... It means realizing that there as serious differences between wants & needs.

These are the things we are doing to make raising our son at home possible for us:
1. Tithing (this is not new, but it is important to continue)
2. No eating out. Period.
3. No cable (or other t.v. service)
4. No shopping (besides grocery)
5. No entertainment (besides redbox about once a month)
6. Keeping our thermostat set to 60
7. Not over-seeding our grass this winter
8. Not keeping the dog groomed & letting him be an outside dog
9. BREAST-FEEDING
10. Not driving unless necessary (work for Juan & church for all of us)
11. Cutting back on Text messaging
12. Eating leftovers! (this is hard for me... i'm not a fan of leftovers generally)
13. Getting Medi-Cal for CJ instead of paying for insurance

Here are some things we are in the process of cutting back:
1. Car insurance (keeping full-coverage, but switching carriers)
2. Internet (down-grading to basic)
3. Applying for deferment of all our student loans
4. Dropping a cell phone & cutting back on the data plan (for Juan's iphone... we'd cancel it if we could afford to buy out of the contract)

Now this all doesn't mean we have everything figured out and have extra $ to save... this is just making ends meet, for now anyway.

May God bless you today.

Hair!

What a journey my hair has gone through since I got pregnant! During the pregnancy my hair became less wavy and grew like crazy, lots of new hair which made it so thick! Then I had the baby and the waviness came back full force. And when he was about 3 months old, I started losing my hair like crazy!!! Seriously, I have about 1/4  the hair I had when CJ was born. :( And it continues to fall out... BUT: I have lots of new growth now, which I am grateful for, but it looks really weird... And, of course, throughout this journey I have had a few hair-dos... Currently I am sporting a hair-don't. My hair is too long to fall the way it should with this cut, but too short to pull back... it's a problem, but hair cuts are expensive! I am working to remedy the situation... hopefully sometime this week. But, if you see me before then, just know that I am aware of the wrecked mess that is my hair, okay? :) alright...

An "OFF" day...

If you watch the office, you are familiar with Jim & Pam's "off day"... You know... the one where Pam's in NY & is busy w/ school, laundry, etc. and they can't quite connect over the phone like they usually do?... Well Juan & I have had that day today. Shocking, I know! I'm sure you assumed that we are blissfully happy always and never take a step out of sync with each other, but sadly, I must burst your bubble and say this is not the case. :( We are human, after all, and it happens...

I have spent most of the day being quite a grump; annoyed by every little thing (although, in my defense, I had a baby that would not stop crying unless he was asleep or eating ALL DAY LONG). Juan spent much of the day trying to be helpful & dodge my sarcastic barbs. But by the end of the day, he pretty much gave up & went to bed alone. I am now up waiting for my Amish friendship bread to be done baking, folding 4 loads of laundry, and blogging about my stupidity.

Why do there have to be days like this? (mama said, mama said, mama said there'd be days like this, there'd be days like this my mama said) You know what the really sad thing is? I could be going back to that bedroom right now & apologizing, but instead I'm typing about it... Seriously? I suck.

I think the most unexpected part about becoming a parent is losing my husband. I know that sounds extreme, but we have had little to no time to connect over the last 5 months, and I feel the distance growing. I know that he loves me and all of that, it's just that we're not what we once were, and I fear we never will be again. I just wish he'd hug me (other than at bed time), and play with my hair (weird I know, but it's my favorite)... I wish he'd see me or rather look at me like he did before I got all huge & pregnant. I wish I could be the wife I once was, love & respect him the way I used to... I wish I was deserving of the same in return... Sadly, I'm not right now, but it's something to work on. I am hoping that as CJ grows, we will have more time to connect, even if it's in a different way... because I miss US... (don't get me wrong though, i love being a mommy & i love my baby boy)

Juan, If you are reading this, I am sorry... If you are not, I am working up the nerve to say so out loud... although you don't know that, because you're not reading this... i should stop typing...

Here's an old photo of us, pre-CJ...

May God bless you today.

Adjusting the bedtime...

We have been working all week on moving CJ's bedtime from 10:30 to 9... we are getting closer. We have been gradually moving his bath time back about 15 minutes every couple days. (and each day I pray that he doesn't wake up hungry in the middle of the night because we've put him down too early) Last night we were able to start his bath by 8:15, and we had him down by 9:30! We are getting close to our goal... the hope is that he will be waking up by 7am (since he is sleeping about 11 hours per night) so that on mornings we have to be somewhere he's not wanting to be fed when we need to be leaving... And, added bonus: Juan & I actually get a little time ALONE at night!!! Gosh, I miss my husband! Hopefully by the end of next week we will be changed to a 9:00 bedtime.

What a difference a Daddy makes!

This is a pic of CJ w/ Juan (Daddy) right before his bath...

I just want to take today to say: THANK YOU!
Juan, you are an amazing Daddy to CJ & the best husband I could've ever imagined. We are both so blessed to have you!

Family Visit

Juan, CJ & I had a surprise visitor yesterday: my Aunt Janie! :) She is my mom's sister, and she only lives about 3 hours away. She had some time and decided to come down to Fresno for the day and we had fun! We went to Chipotle for lunch (gotta love that), and just got to hang w/ baby and talk a lot. I love hearing about my mom and her family, and A.J. always has good stories to share. She also has lots of baby stories to share, as she has triplets!... She also brought a wealth of reading material for our little guy as well as some cute stuffed animals from the kids for CJ! So sweet! :)

And, the icing on top of the cake: CJ slept for 11 hours last night! That was SO good, because mommy didn't get to sleep until after 5am :( ... I have been having pretty severe neck pain, and it seems that when I lay down for bed at night, the weight of the day just kicks in and I cannot get comfortable... A.J. shared some yoga poses w/ me, so I certainly hope those will help stretch out my neck and back and allow me to sleep...

The next big thing we are looking forward to: Hannah (my sister) & Phoenix (my new nephew) moving to CA!!! Hopefully we will be able to see all the Casios soon after they are reunited... they will be coming or we will be meeting to give their dog to them (Pepe, our 5 month house guest...). I can't wait to see them!!!!!!!!!!! And what's next after that? Hopefully a visit from my dad!

May God bless you today.

5 months ago today...

CJ is 5 months old! How is that possible??? He is getting so big, and I want it to stop, okay?... I am so happy that he is happy and healthy and beautiful. Juan & I are truly blessed to have such a good baby, and in honor of him being 5 months old today, let's take a look back at the last 5 months, shall we?

This photo was taken a week before CJ was born... I felt so huge and hot and tired and SO over being pregnant, now looking back, I miss it... crazy.

This photo was taken the day he was born... I was just in awe of this beautiful little thing, and couldn't believe he was mine... He was SO tiny...

This photo was taken when he was one month old... still SO tiny, and we were oh-so-tired!... I remember these days when I was getting up every 2-3 hours to feed, change, rock, etc... i was a total zombie!

This photo was taken when he was about two months old... he was really starting to develop his personality at this time... and we were starting to get more sleep as he was only getting up 1-2 times per night...

This photo was taken when he was three months old while we were in TX visiting Papa & Aunt Hannah & cousin Phoenix... We had fun, but it was so hard to be away from Daddy...

This photo was taken when he was four months old, and the shirt is SO true, the kid loves being naked!

I took this photo a few minutes ago... my baby is getting so big. Isn't he beautiful?... Oh, and I forgot to mention, his gift to me on the morning he turned 5 months old: a blowout in his crib... sheets & jammies in the washer, and on we go!

And I have to share one more photo because it's just so cute!

He loves his baths! :) Love my boy!
May God bless you today.

One step forward, two steps back

Despite my oh-so-productive day yesterday, I find myself with a crap-load of stuff to do today... and I don't want to do any of it... I remember the days before CJ was born when I would work so hard to get my laundry and housework done on Friday nights so that we could just RELAX & enjoy our weekend!!! Those days are gone... Now it is a constant uphill battle to keep our house looking semi-presentable & organized. If only I didn't care about hygiene and order... Today, Juan and I are up to our eyeballs in clean laundry that needs to be folded & put away (the four loads from yesterday plus three more today), and Juan just put together CJ's highchair, and I have lots of work to get done by tomorrow. On the plus side: we made it to church on time (which was actually early because I had to work in the nursery and they ask us to be there 30 minutes before the service starts), and CJ did really well in there, although I can't say the same for many other babies that were in there, it was like cry central in there today. Fellow moms of babies, tell me if you agree... A baby crying is the WORST sound in the world. It makes me want to cry... if it's my baby I just want to make it better, whatever "it" is, and if it's other babies, I feel similarly, but if it lasts too long, it's just like: "make it stop!" please... my, um, motherly parts can't take it anymore; give me that kid, i'll feed him if i have to! (jk, i wouldn't do that...unless they needed it...whatever, that's another post)... So, I hope you all had a fabulous weekend. I talked to my dad this weekend and he says he may be out here next month! :) I hope that is true because I could really use some dad time & CJ could use some Papa time :) Hope it's a great week for you all; it's a busy one for us. I have joined a birth circle (i think that's what it's called) which is tomorrow night, tuesday we are just hanging, wednesday i have bible study at our house, thursday i have MOPS and we have dinner w/ friends :), and friday is our supper 6 dinner at our house... Here goes nothing!!!!!!!! :)

Now that's what I call a productive day!

Here's a checklist of what I (we) accomplished today:

1. Grocery Shopping!!!!! (this should really count as like 10 things, because shopping w/ a baby in a stroller, plus a grocery cart, etc etc etc totally sucks...)
2. Christmas trees de-ornamented, de-bowed, de-garland-ed, taken apart, and put away!
3. All other Christmas stuff wrapped, boxed, and put away
4. Cooked 3 meals, that's right, 3! Cinnamon rolls for b-fast, Chicken pot pie for lunch, & Cheese soup for dinner... yumo!
5. Swept the kitchen floor
6. Vacuumed the living room & hall
7. Washed & dried 4 loads of laundry (yet to be folded & put away, but whatever)
8. Watched disc 2 season 5 of The Office (yes, this is productive, because we have to get through all of them, it's my part-time job) ;)
9. Rearranged house after all Christmas decor was put away
10. Fed, changed, rocked, walked, played with, held, watched (repeat over & over) CJ
11. SHOWERED, BLOW DRIED & STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This has been, without a doubt, the most productive day I've had in about a month! Now, let's see if getting all of this done today allows us to be on time to church tomorrow.... fat chance! :)
May God bless you today.

Christmas?... still?!

You may think: Oooh, what a pretty tree! ... and I would agree, last month! I SOOOO need to get Christmas stuff put away!... I am hoping this gets done today, because Christmas stuff plus baby stuff makes for a very cluttered house, and I don't know about you, but clutter makes me CRAZY! What makes you crazy?... If I walk into a room that has obvious clutter or unfinished projects, it's almost like my skin starts crawling and my heart starts beating faster... God, please give me the time and opportunity to de-clutter my house and my life, if even just a little bit, today! amen.
May God bless you today.

Miranda Lambert - The House That Built Me

Stuck between a rock & a hard place... er uh, a husband & a baby...

Well, I know that I proudly share with the world that my son has slept through the night since he was about 2 1/2 months old, but......................... on occasion, he does go through growth spurts where he wakes for one feeding during the night (probably a total of 4 times in the last 2 1/2 months). Well, let's make that 5 times, as he was up at 3am, and then again at 5am... oh, and did I mention that I wasn't able to go back to sleep after the 3am feeding?... ya, so I am used to about 8 hours of sleep per night, last night: 4. I am draaaaaaaaaaaaging today. Although, call me crazy, but I actually enjoyed our cuddle time while I was up nursing him. & bonus: Juan got up @ 3am to bring CJ to me to nurse him!!!!!!! That is a miracle! Seriously... Thanks babe! SO, back to the not going back to sleep: Once CJ was done nursing, I tried to get up out of bed with him to put him back in his crib, but every little movement would make him wake up (which is so not normal), so I gave in and figured I'd let him fall into a deep sleep (maybe an hour) then put him back in his crib... There was one HUGE flaw to this plan: Daddy. Juan snores like a bear...growling...with a sore throat... seriously bad!... So, CJ & I finally started to drift off & then Daddy started snoring! Long story short, I put CJ back in his crib awake, and about 40 minutes later (when I was still awake listening to Juan's snoring, and trying to nudge him into silence), CJ was awake crying a hunger cry again...

I must say: "KUDOS" to the new moms who are getting up several times per night to feed their little ones, I remember those days, and am so glad they are gone, but I have obviously forgotten how hard they were. So, keep it up, and your babies will soon be giving you glorious 8-10 hour stretches and you will be in heaven, until you realize you are super engorged and leaking everywhere... ;). But, the leaking goes away, and I learned quickly that wearing a sportsbra to bed is a MUST for me, and nursing pads to boot!

I am off to try to be productive today... I STILL have all my Christmas decorations up, including 3 trees and lots of santas everywhere... Let's see if I can whip this place into shape in time to have dinner ready on a non-santa decorated table by the time Juan gets home.... pipe dreams!

Liquid Gold

I am a proud breastfeeding mama! CJ is an exclusively breastfed baby & it has been terrific! However, it was not easy in the beginning... although a lot of people seem to believe that it should be. I must say that if Juan & I had not made a serious commitment to breastfeed, I probably would've given up when CJ was a couple weeks old. So, for you expecting or new moms: if breastfeeding is important to you, make a commitment w/ your partner and ask for their help in keeping you accountable for that commitment! And please please please know: it is NOT easy in the beginning! 

Even in my case, CJ did "latch" right away, which I hear doesn't always happen, there were still a lot of challenges. Such as: CJ falling asleep like every other minute (in the first few weeks), biting down & pulling off (when he needs to burp, but doesn't want to let go), when it takes 30 minutes (seriously) to get a burp out of him, lots and lots of spit up, screaming when my milk doesn't let down fast enough... and on and on. BUT: now that CJ is almost 5 months old, I feel that we are finally in a good nursing groove. And, breastfeeding is definitely much more cost-effective! Can I get an amen from my fellow tight-budget friends?!

My current dilemma is my pumped milk... I have been pumping since CJ was about a week old, and in the beginning I would get about 1/2 an ounce at a time (so don't be discouraged if you are just starting and you're not getting much), and now I usually pump between 4 and 10 ounces depending on the reason for the pumping. I generally pump once in the morning, after feeding CJ. He sleeps through the night, between 8 and 10 hours, so I am very full in the morning and he cannot empty both sides. So I will nurse him on one side, then pump the other. The only other time I pump is on Sundays so that I don't miss our Sunday school class. Anyway, all this to say I have a crap-load (yes, that's a technical term) of frozen breast milk which has now nearly filled our entire freezer in the garage and the door of our inside freezer... So, my question is: As a stay at home mom, what do I do with this milk? Juan is "encouraging" me to just stop keeping the milk that I pump, but the idea of "dumping" my milk makes me crazy!!! I feel like I have "worked so hard" for it, and I don't want to just throw it away. It's like throwing away liquid gold! So, what are your thoughts?...

And just for some fun for your eyes, here's a picture of my little monkey :)

May God bless you today.

New Year, New Blog

I have tried blogging in the past, but never really got into it... Guess I didn't really have much to say. NOW, however, I have SOOOOO much to say!... I guess you could say becoming a mom has turned my world upside down. I guess I will make this first post on my new blog an intro to ME...

I am 26 years old, I have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, and I am daily learning to lean on him. I am a wife (of nearly 5 years) to my amazing husband, Juan. I am a mother (of nearly 5 months) to my beautiful son Carter James (hereafter referred to as "CJ"). I come from a home w/ two parents who did the best that they could & who remained married "til death, DID, them part"... My mom died on July 1, 2009 after fighting for 10 months against gleoblastoma (sp?) ... brain cancer. It was the most difficult experience of my life, and continues to be. My dad is still living and is the best I could've asked for and more. He stood by my mom through everything, took care of her through her sickness, and was there with her when the Lord called her home... I don't know what I will do when the Lord calls him up... don't want to think about it... Exactly a month before my mom died (June 1, 2009), we lost our first baby (I was 12 weeks along), which at the time I thought would be the hardest thing I'd ever have to go through... little did I know... I also have two sisters, one older, one younger. And, if it is possible, we are all polar opposites. We have our few similarities, generally physical, but for the most part we are totally different. My younger sister also just had a baby recently, a boy, and he is about 1 1/2 months old now.

In the last year I have had over 20 friends and or family members have babies, and I have learned so much through my own experiences and through watching others, and the main thing I've learned is: none of us are perfect. However, I really feel like the moms in the past (previous generations, I guess) have really tried to make it seem easy to "do it all". It was necessary to appear perfect at all times, totally together, house spotless, children perfectly dressed & well behaved, perfect relationships w/ their husbands, etc etc etc... well, folks: Parenthood & Marriage are NOT perfect!... It's not always pretty and fun and easy and beautiful... some days I get pooped on, other days I get in arguments with my husband, and guess what? I have about 4 loads of clean, unfolded laundry laying on my couch just waiting for me to have time to do it (suppose I could be doing that now instead of blogging...). I am here to say: we are not perfect and that's ok. Let's start being honest with eachother so that we don't have to feel alone. When we lost our baby, I felt SO alone, I felt like it shouldn't be so hard, and people just brush it off like the baby wasn't real or something... It is moments like that that I hope to someday help someone else through.

So.... Follow me if you want to hear about the true journey of a wife & mother who isn't afraid to show her imperfections... hopefully we will all learn and laugh along the way. May God bless you today.