Tomorrow; Disbelief

I just went through some pictures of my mom, and I found myself just staring at her asking: Where are you?... She looks so happy and healthy & like she's about to say something. It's still unbelievable to me that she's gone. Tomorrow will be 2 years since she left this earth... My grandpa's memorial service brought back so many memories of my mom's and it was pretty hard to bare. I can only imagine how my dad & his sisters & of course my grandma must've been feeling. I just keep thinking: How can this be? Logically, I know she's gone; I saw her die... BUT: that wasn't my mother lying in that bed, it was a shell of her... I miss her so much it hurts today. Looking at pictures of her holding me when I was just a baby... I realize how much she loved me (even when I was in high school and was sure she just wanted me to be miserable because she wouldn't let me go somewhere or do something I wanted). The love between a mother and her child is like nothing I've ever felt. I wish I could just see her one more time. Or hear her sing... Oh to hear her sing again! Most kids' mothers read them stories at bedtime, you'd go pick your favorite book and crawl up in her lap as she read to you. My mom let us choose any song we wanted and she'd sing us to sleep. Gosh, I miss that. And I miss knowing exactly what song the choir would be singing and what songs were going to be part of worship on Sunday-- because Mom had been playing them on the piano all week long and singing and teaching them to us. I miss when my dad would go out of town and it was GIRLS NIGHT at our house. We'd get to pick out girly movies, treats, and even sleep in bed w/ my Mom (which never happened otherwise...) I remember her cheering at my basketball games, and I knew it was her because she couldn't get the normal sports fan yell out, it always sounded so dainty: "Weouw!"... not even sure how to spell her cheering sound... I remember the countless hours she spent "prinping" us for church... bath, blow dry, comb, sponge rollers, curling irons, more brushing... it was painful and I hated it, but secretly, I loved it. I remember watching her do her makeup every morning, sitting on her bed, w/ a handheld mirror (which is how I've always done mine, too...), she took such care to make sure everything was perfect. I miss all these things. Mom, my life is not the same without you. I miss you every day and wish I could just see you, or hear your voice.

Grandpa

My Grandpa is the kind of man who everyone seems to know, or know of.... He was a preacher (the best I've seen/heard, and I've heard a lots of good preaching!).

He was what you might call "strict". He had very high standards for himself, his children, his grandchildren, your children, you... you get the picture. I remember learning about "the fear of the Lord" and wondering why we should fear someone that was supposed to be so loving, who wanted only the best for us, who was so perfect and good...? And I don't remember if someone told me this or I just came up with it on my own (at roughly 6 years of age), but my Grandpa became an example of "holy fear" at work. I knew he loved me, but I also knew he'd spank me if I stepped out of line. He was a no nonsense kind of guy.

Then there was a completely different side of him; the one I'd see whenever my Grandma walked into the room. He suddenly turned to sappy mush. He called her "mama", "sugar", "sweetheart", "my bride", and others I'm sure, I just can't think of them right now... And have you ever seen a couple in their sixties with the wife sitting on the husband's lap while watching t.v. or reading the paper? How bout seeing a man in his 70s pat his wife on the bottom? They were the PERFECT example of a love that never ends... They were so much in love and it was so obvious. He adored her. I don't know how many times he had to propose to her before she finally said yes. They were like something you think would only exist in movies.

He was also very generous. When I took Juan for the "meet the family" trip the first time, his car broke down in Los Angeles and he didn't have the cash to get it fixed. He was going to try to arrange to have it towed to Fresno, I believe, but without telling Juan my Grandpa had taken care of it. Had it repaired and paid for it all. He did things like this regularly... and usually quietly. He also generously offered to pay to have my tattoos removed, but that's a different story...

He was a huge sports fan! He came to several of my & Sarah's basketball games (mostly Sarah's since she played a lot longer than I did and was MUCH better), and keep in mind they lived in Long Beach at the time and we are in Fresno. He did the same for all of our cousins. He was present and supportive and motivating, and sometimes a bit vocal (which my Dad obviously picked up, which you'd know if you'd ever been to one of my or my sisters' games/meets).

He was also a man of routine. Same breakfast every day (half of a grapefruit), read the paper cover to cover (in near silence), had the same food in the fridge/cupboard/pantry every time we went to visit (I know that's probably more Grandma than Grandpa, but still). We could always count on individually wrapped mini boxes of breakfast cereal, home-made chex mix, and raisin bread.

He knew a lot about a lot and taught me some about some...

He was very special to me. My most treasured picture w/ him was when I was about 4 years old and I was sitting on his lap while he read me a story... If I can find it, I'll post it later...

Did I Eat Today?!...

As a busy Mommy, I often find myself wondering around 5:30 (when I'm making CJ's dinner) if I've eaten all day. It's usually around 5 or so that I start feeling a little light-headed, tired, and shaky and I have to replay my day in my mind. It usually goes something like this:

-I woke up
-BF CJ
-Fed CJ solid breakfast
-Played w/ CJ while trying to clean up, check email, work, etc.
-Put CJ down for a nap
-Took a shower
-Put some laundry in
-Picked up toys in living room
-Payed bills, checked amazon for next diaper shipment, FB... always FB throughout the day
-Got CJ up from nap
-BF CJ
-Fed CJ solid lunch
-Watch THE TALK
-Play w/ CJ (try to practice walking, talking, etc)
-Look at the clock and realize Daddy will be home soon & scramble to get the house picked up so he doesn't come home to a complete mess of a house
-Put CJ down for nap
-Figure out what to make for dinner
-Talk with Juan about his day
-Make any necessary work plans (meetings, shows, phone calls, etc)
-Get CJ up from his nap
-Skype (w/ Dad, Hannah, Sarah, or Megan)
-Make dinner for CJ
-Make dinner for us....

Nope! Didn't eat today... Dang!

And I know: It's so important to eat while breastfeeding, since CJ is pulling so much of his nourishment from my body! (believe me, I know!... that's why I am so weak by the end of the day)

SO here's to remembering to eat! Oh, and to drink water! Lots and lots of water!!! I will try to be better about this...

Clearly he's being fed! :)