Friday, May 27, 2011
Ever wonder if you're THAT person...?
I have been constantly wondering that lately... By that person I mean: the person who's not quite right... that you are nice to, but don't really click with... that you "know" but don't really want to know... Someone who complains too much or is just plain annoying... someone that you are kind to because you feel guilty not doing so... a "project"... someone who you know doesn't have it all together... not the brightest crayon in the box... or the sharpest tool in the shed... someone whose calls you dread and whose emails you "lose"... the person who calls to invite you to something and you can always think of an excuse not to go... someone who's just weird or makes you feel weird but you can't quite put your finger on why... someone you have to walk on egg shells around... who says things that make you cringe... whose parenting is disappointing... whose house is never clean enough, and cooking is never good enough... someone who just needs help, but you are SO not the person to give it... I would venture to guess that we all have someone in our lives who falls into this category, and we avoid them like the plague, but do you ever stop to wonder if for someone else, it's YOU?... It's ME... I hope I'm not that person, but if I am, I'm sorry... and you can be honest with me... i'm not made of mooshy marshmallow cream or fragile eggs... I can take it.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Where do the days go?...
Well.........
You may have noticed that I haven't been blogging much lately. That's because I have a nine month old who keeps my hands full! I used to watch the clock all day waiting for the end of the work day when Juan would be coming home... Now, I am surprised when I hear his truck pull in the driveway, because I realize that another day is gone. Most days I forget to eat lunch because Carter is such a busy bee. He wakes up around 8, I breastfeed him, then we play until 9, and he eats his "solid" breakfast (oatmeal and fruit)
(sorry i had to take a break as he is grabbing the laptop & climbing up on my lap...)
then we play until 10 or 10:30, then it's nap time (which has only been lasting about 30 minutes for the past week or so), that nap time is when I eat, clean up a bit, fold laundry, decide what I'm going to make for dinner and take out any nec
You may have noticed that I haven't been blogging much lately. That's because I have a nine month old who keeps my hands full! I used to watch the clock all day waiting for the end of the work day when Juan would be coming home... Now, I am surprised when I hear his truck pull in the driveway, because I realize that another day is gone. Most days I forget to eat lunch because Carter is such a busy bee. He wakes up around 8, I breastfeed him, then we play until 9, and he eats his "solid" breakfast (oatmeal and fruit)
(sorry i had to take a break as he is grabbing the laptop & climbing up on my lap...)
then we play until 10 or 10:30, then it's nap time (which has only been lasting about 30 minutes for the past week or so), that nap time is when I eat, clean up a bit, fold laundry, decide what I'm going to make for dinner and take out any nec
Monday, May 16, 2011
Bye Bye Civic...
Well, the day has come. We FINALLY found a buyer for our car (actually she found us), and we have said good-bye. Luckily it's a friend, so we feel good about it. After over a month of trying to sell it, countless people coming to look at it, "selling" it 3 times--only to have it fall through, and lots of headaches... It is finished. We had a great ride w/ this car... We bought her right around the time we got married (our first "new" car purchase), we drove her to six flags countless times, to L.A. lots, to Davis lots, many many trips to Target, lots of late-night weinerschnitzel runs while i was preggo, drove her to the hospital after my water broke, and then nearly 48 hours later, drove our precious baby boy home from the hospital in her. And every step of the way, she ran perfectly, not a hiccup or problem... ran smoothly and beautifully, a true gem of a car... and now she begins the next phase of her journey... a new home, a new "mommy", and I know she will be well cared for and loved. Here are a few photos of our beautiful girl...
She was a great car! Enjoy her Amanda, she's been good to us, and we know she'll be good to you, too! :)
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Sleepless... for a reason (WARNING: not for the faint of heart)
I know exactly why I am not sleeping... It's because of what I see every time I close my eyes to go to bed at night...
I see my mother in a hospital bed in ICU--one eye taped shut, shriveled up to a skeleton of a person. I fall into my dad's arms just sobbing in disbelief; how could she have gotten this bad so fast...? She can't talk, eat, or even really move. She's not there... she doesn't know I'm there. I remember standing around her bed with my sisters singing some of our favorites of "her" songs all night long. I remember showing the nurses pictures of my mom on my wedding day and they couldn't believe she was the same person. I remember trying to talk to her when no one else was in the room, hoping for some kind of tv moment when she'd squeeze my hand, and I'd know she really heard me; that never happened. I remember the nurses changing the sign on her door to one that said "life transition" or something like that... basically alerting the staff of her "condition" which was dying... any day, any hour, any minute... I remember when the nurse stopped coming to empty her catheter bag because her kidneys had failed and there was no more urine to collect; the little fluid in the bottom of the bag turned to a kind of burnt orange color. I remember her fingers turning blue and the nurse rolling up wash clothes to put in her hands so that they wouldn't go totally stiff, her hands were ice-cold. I remember thinking over and over again: "this is not my life... this is not my mom..." I remember my dad playing her album over and over again... hearing her voice as she laid there dying made it feel like maybe, just maybe, part of her was still there... I remember trying to make as many jokes as possible, in hopes that I wouldn't cry in front of anyone. Didn't want to be a burden, didn't want to be weak, and frankly, didn't want to talk about my "feelings" or answer any deep questions. I could find my way around that hospital in the dark, blindfolded and with my hands tied behind my back. I remember watching the clock for days, checking to see how long of a pause there was between each of her breaths (the nurses explained to us that her breathing would slow gradually until it just stopped, and soon after her heart would stop). I remember the loud rattling sound that came from her lungs every time she took a breath as they filled with fluid... I remember the moment she took her last breath... waiting for the next to come (still timing)... but it never did. I remember the nurse coming in and calling the "time of death"... it was just before midnight on July 1, 2009... I remember the look on my Dad's face when he realized it was all over; she was gone. I have never seen that look before-- on anyone. And then when everyone cleared the room... I was busily picking up-- snacks, trash, cups, cans, bedding from the cots in the room, her belongings, etc., while my Dad was telling me to stop... I remember him finally covering her with a sheet when he couldn't bare to look at her empty body anymore... And then the nurse asking if we wanted to wait until the funeral home came to "take the body"...
SO... there you have it. That's why I can't sleep-- My mom dies every time I close my eyes, and there's still nothing I can do about it. I wish I could just talk to her one more time. Or see her in heaven, with a smile on her face, and healthy... My brain doesn't generally go back to the positive images of when she was well and happy... why is that?!... So off I go, to relive it again and again... luckily Juan is a heavy sleeper and never wakes up as I cry myself to sleep most nights... and then, just as I finally drift off, the baby cries and we rewind the tape...
So those of you that are sweet enough to try to make me feel better about Mother's Day... this is why, right now, I just can't. Maybe some day. But not this year. And trying to focus on the fact that I'm now the mother just makes it even more difficult. I never have to buy another Mother's Day card. Ever.
I see my mother in a hospital bed in ICU--one eye taped shut, shriveled up to a skeleton of a person. I fall into my dad's arms just sobbing in disbelief; how could she have gotten this bad so fast...? She can't talk, eat, or even really move. She's not there... she doesn't know I'm there. I remember standing around her bed with my sisters singing some of our favorites of "her" songs all night long. I remember showing the nurses pictures of my mom on my wedding day and they couldn't believe she was the same person. I remember trying to talk to her when no one else was in the room, hoping for some kind of tv moment when she'd squeeze my hand, and I'd know she really heard me; that never happened. I remember the nurses changing the sign on her door to one that said "life transition" or something like that... basically alerting the staff of her "condition" which was dying... any day, any hour, any minute... I remember when the nurse stopped coming to empty her catheter bag because her kidneys had failed and there was no more urine to collect; the little fluid in the bottom of the bag turned to a kind of burnt orange color. I remember her fingers turning blue and the nurse rolling up wash clothes to put in her hands so that they wouldn't go totally stiff, her hands were ice-cold. I remember thinking over and over again: "this is not my life... this is not my mom..." I remember my dad playing her album over and over again... hearing her voice as she laid there dying made it feel like maybe, just maybe, part of her was still there... I remember trying to make as many jokes as possible, in hopes that I wouldn't cry in front of anyone. Didn't want to be a burden, didn't want to be weak, and frankly, didn't want to talk about my "feelings" or answer any deep questions. I could find my way around that hospital in the dark, blindfolded and with my hands tied behind my back. I remember watching the clock for days, checking to see how long of a pause there was between each of her breaths (the nurses explained to us that her breathing would slow gradually until it just stopped, and soon after her heart would stop). I remember the loud rattling sound that came from her lungs every time she took a breath as they filled with fluid... I remember the moment she took her last breath... waiting for the next to come (still timing)... but it never did. I remember the nurse coming in and calling the "time of death"... it was just before midnight on July 1, 2009... I remember the look on my Dad's face when he realized it was all over; she was gone. I have never seen that look before-- on anyone. And then when everyone cleared the room... I was busily picking up-- snacks, trash, cups, cans, bedding from the cots in the room, her belongings, etc., while my Dad was telling me to stop... I remember him finally covering her with a sheet when he couldn't bare to look at her empty body anymore... And then the nurse asking if we wanted to wait until the funeral home came to "take the body"...
SO... there you have it. That's why I can't sleep-- My mom dies every time I close my eyes, and there's still nothing I can do about it. I wish I could just talk to her one more time. Or see her in heaven, with a smile on her face, and healthy... My brain doesn't generally go back to the positive images of when she was well and happy... why is that?!... So off I go, to relive it again and again... luckily Juan is a heavy sleeper and never wakes up as I cry myself to sleep most nights... and then, just as I finally drift off, the baby cries and we rewind the tape...
So those of you that are sweet enough to try to make me feel better about Mother's Day... this is why, right now, I just can't. Maybe some day. But not this year. And trying to focus on the fact that I'm now the mother just makes it even more difficult. I never have to buy another Mother's Day card. Ever.
Random thoughts...
Carter is TOO big...
Mother's day just sucks.
My husband works too hard...
I love that it's getting hot for one reason: We get to teach CJ to swim!!! (hoping he'll love the water... my parents had us in the water as babies and we have never had a fear of water and have always known how to swim, and I think that's pretty dang important)
Summer also means: WEDDINGS & baby showers... and baby birthdays... WOW, CJ will be one in August! Craziness....
My Dad needs to sell his house... it's been on the market for almost a year... ugh.
I am so grateful for internet.
Being a stay-at-home-mom has made me much more personally involved in T.V. characters' lives (i.e. Michael Scott)
Our church is pretty dang amazing... The only church I know that really has "home grown" ministers/pastors... it's great to see people leading our church that I've grown up with... It helps a REALLY big church seem smaller...
The Talk is the best daytime show on broadcast tv... period. (so i think)
Elmo has magical powers.
Juan reminds me of Samson from the bible... ALL that hair & so strong... makes me kinda want to cut it and then ask him to carry something heavy...
Caffeine is crazy
I want another baby... or want this one to stop growing...
I am so glad I have a dog!
You know what happens once Summer comes? Big Brother...
You know what would be the perfect job for me?... Planning/organizing parties... if only I had the education and time to do that, that would be SO fun!
I had a dream that I met Leah Remini yesterday... she was nice.
The only way for me to get CJ to let me cut his finger/toenails is by playing The Office theme song over and over again... it's the only thing that will stop him in his tracks every single time
Okay... done rambling.
May God bless you today.
Mother's day just sucks.
My husband works too hard...
I love that it's getting hot for one reason: We get to teach CJ to swim!!! (hoping he'll love the water... my parents had us in the water as babies and we have never had a fear of water and have always known how to swim, and I think that's pretty dang important)
Summer also means: WEDDINGS & baby showers... and baby birthdays... WOW, CJ will be one in August! Craziness....
My Dad needs to sell his house... it's been on the market for almost a year... ugh.
I am so grateful for internet.
Being a stay-at-home-mom has made me much more personally involved in T.V. characters' lives (i.e. Michael Scott)
Our church is pretty dang amazing... The only church I know that really has "home grown" ministers/pastors... it's great to see people leading our church that I've grown up with... It helps a REALLY big church seem smaller...
The Talk is the best daytime show on broadcast tv... period. (so i think)
Elmo has magical powers.
Juan reminds me of Samson from the bible... ALL that hair & so strong... makes me kinda want to cut it and then ask him to carry something heavy...
Caffeine is crazy
I want another baby... or want this one to stop growing...
I am so glad I have a dog!
You know what happens once Summer comes? Big Brother...
You know what would be the perfect job for me?... Planning/organizing parties... if only I had the education and time to do that, that would be SO fun!
I had a dream that I met Leah Remini yesterday... she was nice.
The only way for me to get CJ to let me cut his finger/toenails is by playing The Office theme song over and over again... it's the only thing that will stop him in his tracks every single time
Okay... done rambling.
May God bless you today.
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