Solid foods... with chunks

We have just started giving CJ baby food w/ fresh food mixed in... For example: I gave him Gerber bananas today w/ mushed fresh banana in it. For some reason, every time I give him fresh food mashed up, he chokes... He seems to try to swallow pieces whole, then choke them back up, chew a bit and swallow again. Is that normal? Will he naturally learn how to do this better or should I be waiting to add "chunkier" foods to his diet...? The other thing I've tried is avocados, same reaction. Any ideas?...

Sleep is for sissies...

THAT is what I'm telling myself... If I really needed sleep, I wouldn't be able to function without it, right?!...

CJ had night 11 of nightwaking last night & it was a doosy... He was up every 3 hours (from wake to wake), took a full feeding each time (30 min), and went back to sleep easy. (thankfully) However, my struggle is that it's been taking me about 3 hours to fall asleep and well... you can do the math on that one.

I actually do know why it's taking me so long to fall asleep, but I don't know how to change it. I find it is the only real "down" time that I have, and I have a million things running through my mind, along w/ very horrible images/memories I have seem to creep into my mind at bedtime. I close my eyes and see my mom dying... or I hear a noise and think something's happened to the baby (I still have a pretty intense fear of losing him), or Juan isn't snoring (which is a rare occurrance), and I'm afraid something's happened to him, or I hear various commotion on our street, and it wakes me and worries me... I have tried sleep-aids: Tylenol PM, Benadryl, and Melatonin... nothing has worked.... what to do?... don't know. I guess if my body gets tired enough, I WILL sleep... eventually...

And CJ is waking up from his nap and crying for me, so I gotta cut this short...

May God bless you today, and may you sleep!

Saying Good-bye to Megan...

Soon one of my best friends will be moving across the country... This friend has been in my life for over 10 years now. We went through high school together, some college, lived together, got married the same year, have had babies, have learned, grown, cried, laughed, talked and talked and talked... And now she's leaving. It is very bitter-sweet. I am so happy for her & her family because this is a great opportunity for them, but so sad that I will lose my on-call friend. She has helped me through so much since CJ was born... She is that one person I can call and ask: Is this normal?!... without fear of judgement. She has gone through the baby thing twice and very recently, so she is a wealth of knowledge. Now, I know she will just be a phone call away, but for some reason that just doesn't seem like enough. My poor hubby has already listened to me cry and cry... I told him that he needs to be prepared to talk to me & listen to me A LOT more...

SO, Megan...
Thank you...
For being my friend.
For being my roommate.
For being my maid of honor.
For letting me love your girls.
For loving my boy.
For teaching me how to use a breast pump.
For laughing with me until we peed watching Ellen.
For crying with me when I lost my baby.
For telling me you'd be a surrogate if we needed one.
For letting me hold your girls tight when I feared I'd never have my own.
For cleaning our apartment way more often than I ever did.
For listening.
For talking.
For the flowers.
For letting us borrow all the things we didn't get at the shower.
For never judging.
For never laughing when I was being ridiculous.
For knowing me.
And for still loving me.
For being here...

And now that you won't be here, I will miss you every day, but know that God is directing your path. I am so proud of the leap of faith you and Chase are taking, and I know that God will bless you every step of the way, as you choose to follow him, even when it's hard. I know you will be greatly missed by so many, especially your mama... BUT we will all be here cheering you on!

Love you more than I ever knew I would...

on my wedding day...

meeting CJ for the first time...

Being a mom without a mom

Can I just say becoming a mother w/out my mom by my side sucked. Of course I was happy and it was the most amazing day, but I was dreadfully aware of her lack of presence. Every day I look at my son, I wonder what my mom would've said if she saw him. I wonder if she would've had some advise for how to get him to eat fruit or to stop rolling over while I change his diaper. I wonder if she would've been telling me stories about how I did the same thing. I wonder if she was as tired as me, if she felt like she would never get a good night of sleep again, if she worried about me every minute of the day.

It's not normal to not want to dress my son in the pjs Juan's mom bought him that say, "I love Grandma"... I see those pjs and just think, "your Grandma's gone". It even makes me sad to see Juan's mom holding CJ, because it just reminds me of the fact that my mom never will. And everyone can say: "She's watching over him," or "she'll hold him someday," or "she's always with you," but the truth of the matter is, she's gone. She's not coming back... yes, I'll see her in heaven someday, but sadly, that's not much comfort. And if you haven't lost your mom, you simply don't understand, and if you have, you probably wouldn't offer those words to try to comfort, because you know they won't work.

For those of you that have moms that are living, think of all the times you're not quite sure what to do with your baby, and you call your mom to see if she has some advise... now imagine she doesn't answer. Ever. Can you imagine never being able to talk to your mom? Ever? Think of all the times your mom watches your kids, takes them to the park, buys them birthday gifts, maybe even held your hand while you were in labor... I will never have those moments, CJ will never have those moments. And that just sucks.

I do, however, have a great Dad. He does all he can, of course he'll never be my Mom, but he is pretty amazing. Sometimes it's just not enough...

All this to say, it's been a rough week. I miss my mom. I wonder how she'd be as a Nana...?

Here's a photo of my mom & I when I was a baby...

And on my wedding day...

Seems like a lifetime ago when I last got to talk to her......

It's so hard to say good-bye...

We have had family in town for the last week or so, and it has been great! I LOVE when my dad comes to visit... seeing him w/ CJ is just precious! See...?

We also got to visit w/ my sister Hannah, her hubby Edgar, and their cutie baby Phoenix!

Aren't they funny?! haha.... we had a great visit. So cool to see our boys together...

All of them... :) Strangely, our babies look nothing alike & are still the CUTEST babies I've ever seen!

While the visit was nice, it's always hard to say good-bye. Hannah & fam had to leave Sunday and my dad had to leave today :( ... Can't wait til the next time we get to see them! Hopefully soon... For now, I'm glad to have lots of pics from while they were here, i'll just scroll through those for awhile...