Being a mom without a mom

Can I just say becoming a mother w/out my mom by my side sucked. Of course I was happy and it was the most amazing day, but I was dreadfully aware of her lack of presence. Every day I look at my son, I wonder what my mom would've said if she saw him. I wonder if she would've had some advise for how to get him to eat fruit or to stop rolling over while I change his diaper. I wonder if she would've been telling me stories about how I did the same thing. I wonder if she was as tired as me, if she felt like she would never get a good night of sleep again, if she worried about me every minute of the day.

It's not normal to not want to dress my son in the pjs Juan's mom bought him that say, "I love Grandma"... I see those pjs and just think, "your Grandma's gone". It even makes me sad to see Juan's mom holding CJ, because it just reminds me of the fact that my mom never will. And everyone can say: "She's watching over him," or "she'll hold him someday," or "she's always with you," but the truth of the matter is, she's gone. She's not coming back... yes, I'll see her in heaven someday, but sadly, that's not much comfort. And if you haven't lost your mom, you simply don't understand, and if you have, you probably wouldn't offer those words to try to comfort, because you know they won't work.

For those of you that have moms that are living, think of all the times you're not quite sure what to do with your baby, and you call your mom to see if she has some advise... now imagine she doesn't answer. Ever. Can you imagine never being able to talk to your mom? Ever? Think of all the times your mom watches your kids, takes them to the park, buys them birthday gifts, maybe even held your hand while you were in labor... I will never have those moments, CJ will never have those moments. And that just sucks.

I do, however, have a great Dad. He does all he can, of course he'll never be my Mom, but he is pretty amazing. Sometimes it's just not enough...

All this to say, it's been a rough week. I miss my mom. I wonder how she'd be as a Nana...?

Here's a photo of my mom & I when I was a baby...

And on my wedding day...

Seems like a lifetime ago when I last got to talk to her......