Tomorrow; Disbelief

I just went through some pictures of my mom, and I found myself just staring at her asking: Where are you?... She looks so happy and healthy & like she's about to say something. It's still unbelievable to me that she's gone. Tomorrow will be 2 years since she left this earth... My grandpa's memorial service brought back so many memories of my mom's and it was pretty hard to bare. I can only imagine how my dad & his sisters & of course my grandma must've been feeling. I just keep thinking: How can this be? Logically, I know she's gone; I saw her die... BUT: that wasn't my mother lying in that bed, it was a shell of her... I miss her so much it hurts today. Looking at pictures of her holding me when I was just a baby... I realize how much she loved me (even when I was in high school and was sure she just wanted me to be miserable because she wouldn't let me go somewhere or do something I wanted). The love between a mother and her child is like nothing I've ever felt. I wish I could just see her one more time. Or hear her sing... Oh to hear her sing again! Most kids' mothers read them stories at bedtime, you'd go pick your favorite book and crawl up in her lap as she read to you. My mom let us choose any song we wanted and she'd sing us to sleep. Gosh, I miss that. And I miss knowing exactly what song the choir would be singing and what songs were going to be part of worship on Sunday-- because Mom had been playing them on the piano all week long and singing and teaching them to us. I miss when my dad would go out of town and it was GIRLS NIGHT at our house. We'd get to pick out girly movies, treats, and even sleep in bed w/ my Mom (which never happened otherwise...) I remember her cheering at my basketball games, and I knew it was her because she couldn't get the normal sports fan yell out, it always sounded so dainty: "Weouw!"... not even sure how to spell her cheering sound... I remember the countless hours she spent "prinping" us for church... bath, blow dry, comb, sponge rollers, curling irons, more brushing... it was painful and I hated it, but secretly, I loved it. I remember watching her do her makeup every morning, sitting on her bed, w/ a handheld mirror (which is how I've always done mine, too...), she took such care to make sure everything was perfect. I miss all these things. Mom, my life is not the same without you. I miss you every day and wish I could just see you, or hear your voice.

Grandpa

My Grandpa is the kind of man who everyone seems to know, or know of.... He was a preacher (the best I've seen/heard, and I've heard a lots of good preaching!).

He was what you might call "strict". He had very high standards for himself, his children, his grandchildren, your children, you... you get the picture. I remember learning about "the fear of the Lord" and wondering why we should fear someone that was supposed to be so loving, who wanted only the best for us, who was so perfect and good...? And I don't remember if someone told me this or I just came up with it on my own (at roughly 6 years of age), but my Grandpa became an example of "holy fear" at work. I knew he loved me, but I also knew he'd spank me if I stepped out of line. He was a no nonsense kind of guy.

Then there was a completely different side of him; the one I'd see whenever my Grandma walked into the room. He suddenly turned to sappy mush. He called her "mama", "sugar", "sweetheart", "my bride", and others I'm sure, I just can't think of them right now... And have you ever seen a couple in their sixties with the wife sitting on the husband's lap while watching t.v. or reading the paper? How bout seeing a man in his 70s pat his wife on the bottom? They were the PERFECT example of a love that never ends... They were so much in love and it was so obvious. He adored her. I don't know how many times he had to propose to her before she finally said yes. They were like something you think would only exist in movies.

He was also very generous. When I took Juan for the "meet the family" trip the first time, his car broke down in Los Angeles and he didn't have the cash to get it fixed. He was going to try to arrange to have it towed to Fresno, I believe, but without telling Juan my Grandpa had taken care of it. Had it repaired and paid for it all. He did things like this regularly... and usually quietly. He also generously offered to pay to have my tattoos removed, but that's a different story...

He was a huge sports fan! He came to several of my & Sarah's basketball games (mostly Sarah's since she played a lot longer than I did and was MUCH better), and keep in mind they lived in Long Beach at the time and we are in Fresno. He did the same for all of our cousins. He was present and supportive and motivating, and sometimes a bit vocal (which my Dad obviously picked up, which you'd know if you'd ever been to one of my or my sisters' games/meets).

He was also a man of routine. Same breakfast every day (half of a grapefruit), read the paper cover to cover (in near silence), had the same food in the fridge/cupboard/pantry every time we went to visit (I know that's probably more Grandma than Grandpa, but still). We could always count on individually wrapped mini boxes of breakfast cereal, home-made chex mix, and raisin bread.

He knew a lot about a lot and taught me some about some...

He was very special to me. My most treasured picture w/ him was when I was about 4 years old and I was sitting on his lap while he read me a story... If I can find it, I'll post it later...

Did I Eat Today?!...

As a busy Mommy, I often find myself wondering around 5:30 (when I'm making CJ's dinner) if I've eaten all day. It's usually around 5 or so that I start feeling a little light-headed, tired, and shaky and I have to replay my day in my mind. It usually goes something like this:

-I woke up
-BF CJ
-Fed CJ solid breakfast
-Played w/ CJ while trying to clean up, check email, work, etc.
-Put CJ down for a nap
-Took a shower
-Put some laundry in
-Picked up toys in living room
-Payed bills, checked amazon for next diaper shipment, FB... always FB throughout the day
-Got CJ up from nap
-BF CJ
-Fed CJ solid lunch
-Watch THE TALK
-Play w/ CJ (try to practice walking, talking, etc)
-Look at the clock and realize Daddy will be home soon & scramble to get the house picked up so he doesn't come home to a complete mess of a house
-Put CJ down for nap
-Figure out what to make for dinner
-Talk with Juan about his day
-Make any necessary work plans (meetings, shows, phone calls, etc)
-Get CJ up from his nap
-Skype (w/ Dad, Hannah, Sarah, or Megan)
-Make dinner for CJ
-Make dinner for us....

Nope! Didn't eat today... Dang!

And I know: It's so important to eat while breastfeeding, since CJ is pulling so much of his nourishment from my body! (believe me, I know!... that's why I am so weak by the end of the day)

SO here's to remembering to eat! Oh, and to drink water! Lots and lots of water!!! I will try to be better about this...

Clearly he's being fed! :)

Ever wonder if you're THAT person...?

I have been constantly wondering that lately...  By that person I mean: the person who's not quite right... that you are nice to, but don't really click with... that you "know" but don't really want to know... Someone who complains too much or is just plain annoying... someone that you are kind to because you feel guilty not doing so... a "project"... someone who you know doesn't have it all together... not the brightest crayon in the box... or the sharpest tool in the shed... someone whose calls you dread and whose emails you "lose"... the person who calls to invite you to something and you can always think of an excuse not to go... someone who's just weird or makes you feel weird but you can't quite put your finger on why... someone you have to walk on egg shells around... who says things that make you cringe... whose parenting is disappointing... whose house is never clean enough, and cooking is never good enough... someone who just needs help, but you are SO not the person to give it... I would venture to guess that we all have someone in our lives who falls into this category, and we avoid them like the plague, but do you ever stop to wonder if for someone else, it's YOU?... It's ME... I hope I'm not that person, but if I am, I'm sorry... and you can be honest with me... i'm not made of mooshy marshmallow cream or fragile eggs... I can take it.

Where do the days go?...

Well.........
You may have noticed that I haven't been blogging much lately. That's because I have a nine month old who keeps my hands full! I used to watch the clock all day waiting for the end of the work day when Juan would be coming home... Now, I am surprised when I hear his truck pull in the driveway, because I realize that another day is gone. Most days I forget to eat lunch because Carter is such a busy bee. He wakes up around 8, I breastfeed him, then we play until 9, and he eats his "solid" breakfast (oatmeal and fruit)
(sorry i had to take a break as he is grabbing the laptop & climbing up on my lap...)
then we play until 10 or 10:30, then it's nap time (which has only been lasting about 30 minutes for the past week or so), that nap time is when I eat, clean up a bit, fold laundry, decide what I'm going to make for dinner and take out any nec

Bye Bye Civic...

Well, the day has come. We FINALLY found a buyer for our car (actually she found us), and we have said good-bye. Luckily it's a friend, so we feel good about it. After over a month of trying to sell it, countless people coming to look at it, "selling" it 3 times--only to have it fall through, and lots of headaches... It is finished. We had a great ride w/ this car... We bought her right around the time we got married (our first "new" car purchase), we drove her to six flags countless times, to L.A. lots, to Davis lots, many many trips to Target, lots of late-night weinerschnitzel runs while i was preggo, drove her to the hospital after my water broke, and then nearly 48 hours later, drove our precious baby boy home from the hospital in her. And every step of the way, she ran perfectly, not a hiccup or problem... ran smoothly and beautifully, a true gem of a car... and now she begins the next phase of her journey... a new home, a new "mommy", and I know she will be well cared for and loved. Here are a few photos of our beautiful girl...

She was a great car! Enjoy her Amanda, she's been good to us, and we know she'll be good to you, too! :)

Sleepless... for a reason (WARNING: not for the faint of heart)

I know exactly why I am not sleeping... It's because of what I see every time I close my eyes to go to bed at night...

I see my mother in a hospital bed in ICU--one eye taped shut, shriveled up to a skeleton of a person. I fall into my dad's arms just sobbing in disbelief; how could she have gotten this bad so fast...? She can't talk, eat, or even really move. She's not there... she doesn't know I'm there. I remember standing around her bed with my sisters singing some of our favorites of "her" songs all night long. I remember showing the nurses pictures of my mom on my wedding day and they couldn't believe she was the same person. I remember trying to talk to her when no one else was in the room, hoping for some kind of tv moment when she'd squeeze my hand, and I'd know she really heard me; that never happened. I remember the nurses changing the sign on her door to one that said "life transition" or something like that... basically alerting the staff of her "condition" which was dying... any day, any hour, any minute... I remember when the nurse stopped coming to empty her catheter bag because her kidneys had failed and there was no more urine to collect; the little fluid in the bottom of the bag turned to a kind of burnt orange color. I remember her fingers turning blue and the nurse rolling up wash clothes to put in her hands so that they wouldn't go totally stiff, her hands were ice-cold. I remember thinking over and over again: "this is not my life... this is not my mom..." I remember my dad playing her album over and over again... hearing her voice as she laid there dying made it feel like maybe, just maybe, part of her was still there... I remember trying to make as many jokes as possible, in hopes that I wouldn't cry in front of anyone. Didn't want to be a burden, didn't want to be weak, and frankly, didn't want to talk about my "feelings" or answer any deep questions. I could find my way around that hospital in the dark, blindfolded and with my hands tied behind my back. I remember watching the clock for days, checking to see how long of a pause there was between each of her breaths (the nurses explained to us that her breathing would slow gradually until it just stopped, and soon after her heart would stop). I remember the loud rattling sound that came from her lungs every time she took a breath as they filled with fluid... I remember the moment she took her last breath... waiting for the next to come (still timing)... but it never did. I remember the nurse coming in and calling the "time of death"... it was just before midnight on July 1, 2009... I remember the look on my Dad's face when he realized it was all over; she was gone. I have never seen that look before-- on anyone. And then when everyone cleared the room... I was busily picking up-- snacks, trash, cups, cans, bedding from the cots in the room, her belongings, etc., while my Dad was telling me to stop... I remember him finally covering her with a sheet when he couldn't bare to look at her empty body anymore... And then the nurse asking if we wanted to wait until the funeral home came to "take the body"...

SO... there you have it. That's why I can't sleep-- My mom dies every time I close my eyes, and there's still nothing I can do about it. I wish I could just talk to her one more time. Or see her in heaven, with a smile on her face, and healthy... My brain doesn't generally go back to the positive images of when she was well and happy... why is that?!... So off I go, to relive it again and again... luckily Juan is a heavy sleeper and never wakes up as I cry myself to sleep most nights... and then, just as I finally drift off, the baby cries and we rewind the tape...

So those of you that are sweet enough to try to make me feel better about Mother's Day... this is why, right now, I just can't. Maybe some day. But not this year. And trying to focus on the fact that I'm now the mother just makes it even more difficult. I never have to buy another Mother's Day card. Ever.