Sleepless... for a reason (WARNING: not for the faint of heart)

I know exactly why I am not sleeping... It's because of what I see every time I close my eyes to go to bed at night...

I see my mother in a hospital bed in ICU--one eye taped shut, shriveled up to a skeleton of a person. I fall into my dad's arms just sobbing in disbelief; how could she have gotten this bad so fast...? She can't talk, eat, or even really move. She's not there... she doesn't know I'm there. I remember standing around her bed with my sisters singing some of our favorites of "her" songs all night long. I remember showing the nurses pictures of my mom on my wedding day and they couldn't believe she was the same person. I remember trying to talk to her when no one else was in the room, hoping for some kind of tv moment when she'd squeeze my hand, and I'd know she really heard me; that never happened. I remember the nurses changing the sign on her door to one that said "life transition" or something like that... basically alerting the staff of her "condition" which was dying... any day, any hour, any minute... I remember when the nurse stopped coming to empty her catheter bag because her kidneys had failed and there was no more urine to collect; the little fluid in the bottom of the bag turned to a kind of burnt orange color. I remember her fingers turning blue and the nurse rolling up wash clothes to put in her hands so that they wouldn't go totally stiff, her hands were ice-cold. I remember thinking over and over again: "this is not my life... this is not my mom..." I remember my dad playing her album over and over again... hearing her voice as she laid there dying made it feel like maybe, just maybe, part of her was still there... I remember trying to make as many jokes as possible, in hopes that I wouldn't cry in front of anyone. Didn't want to be a burden, didn't want to be weak, and frankly, didn't want to talk about my "feelings" or answer any deep questions. I could find my way around that hospital in the dark, blindfolded and with my hands tied behind my back. I remember watching the clock for days, checking to see how long of a pause there was between each of her breaths (the nurses explained to us that her breathing would slow gradually until it just stopped, and soon after her heart would stop). I remember the loud rattling sound that came from her lungs every time she took a breath as they filled with fluid... I remember the moment she took her last breath... waiting for the next to come (still timing)... but it never did. I remember the nurse coming in and calling the "time of death"... it was just before midnight on July 1, 2009... I remember the look on my Dad's face when he realized it was all over; she was gone. I have never seen that look before-- on anyone. And then when everyone cleared the room... I was busily picking up-- snacks, trash, cups, cans, bedding from the cots in the room, her belongings, etc., while my Dad was telling me to stop... I remember him finally covering her with a sheet when he couldn't bare to look at her empty body anymore... And then the nurse asking if we wanted to wait until the funeral home came to "take the body"...

SO... there you have it. That's why I can't sleep-- My mom dies every time I close my eyes, and there's still nothing I can do about it. I wish I could just talk to her one more time. Or see her in heaven, with a smile on her face, and healthy... My brain doesn't generally go back to the positive images of when she was well and happy... why is that?!... So off I go, to relive it again and again... luckily Juan is a heavy sleeper and never wakes up as I cry myself to sleep most nights... and then, just as I finally drift off, the baby cries and we rewind the tape...

So those of you that are sweet enough to try to make me feel better about Mother's Day... this is why, right now, I just can't. Maybe some day. But not this year. And trying to focus on the fact that I'm now the mother just makes it even more difficult. I never have to buy another Mother's Day card. Ever.

Random thoughts...

Carter is TOO big...
Mother's day just sucks.
My husband works too hard...
I love that it's getting hot for one reason: We get to teach CJ to swim!!! (hoping he'll love the water... my parents had us in the water as babies and we have never had a fear of water and have always known how to swim, and I think that's pretty dang important)
Summer also means: WEDDINGS & baby showers... and baby birthdays... WOW, CJ will be one in August! Craziness....
My Dad needs to sell his house... it's been on the market for almost a year... ugh.
I am so grateful for internet.
Being a stay-at-home-mom has made me much more personally involved in T.V. characters' lives (i.e. Michael Scott)
Our church is pretty dang amazing... The only church I know that really has "home grown" ministers/pastors... it's great to see people leading our church that I've grown up with... It helps a REALLY big church seem smaller...
The Talk is the best daytime show on broadcast tv... period. (so i think)
Elmo has magical powers.
Juan reminds me of Samson from the bible... ALL that hair & so strong... makes me kinda want to cut it and then ask him to carry something heavy...
Caffeine is crazy
I want another baby... or want this one to stop growing...
I am so glad I have a dog!
You know what happens once Summer comes? Big Brother...
You know what would be the perfect job for me?... Planning/organizing parties... if only I had the education and time to do that, that would be SO fun!
I had a dream that I met Leah Remini yesterday... she was nice.
The only way for me to get CJ to let me cut his finger/toenails is by playing The Office theme song over and over again... it's the only thing that will stop him in his tracks every single time

Okay... done rambling.
May God bless you today.

The Office

I love this show... I mean LOVE... and last night was Michael Scott's last day... It was so sad. I really felt like I was losing a friend... I'm pathetic. But in case you missed it, here's a link to watch it... When I really lost it was when he said good-bye to Jim...

Nothing a little poop can't fix...

How ya feelin' today?... I was feelin' great! got some laundry done, showered before 6pm, had a super fun playdate w/ our friends from church... CJ went down like a champ for his nap as soon as we got home (although it was about 30 minutes later than usual)... I was feeling a bit like the wonder I've heard of called: "super mom"... until: CJ woke up from his nap! I didn't realize that we were so busy at the park that I never changed his diaper, and I put him straight down for a nap as soon as we got home, which means his last diaper change was at 10:40, and it was now 2:45... that makes for a VERY full diaper... and unfortunately for me, it was FULL of poop. And, of course, I decided to change him on the living room floor. I kid you not, the second I opened his diaper, poop went everywhere! CJ decided to roll over at that moment which made it spread even more... Needless to say, there is about a 2'x2' square of carper in my living room that is marked off because it is wet from being soaked, scrubbed, soaked, and scrubbed... Just when I was started to get a little skip in my step... Dang you poop!!! Here's a picture I thought was fitting for this post...

and roar it did...

May God bless you today...

Why it's all worth it...

If you are my FB friend, you hear all the good, bad, and ugly that's going on in my life (for the most part)... you heard when we were trying to conceive the first time, when we lost our first baby, when I lost my mom soon after.. You heard when I was puking every day (during 2nd pregnancy), when my water broke 4 weeks early, when labor seemed to take forever & hurt so bad, now you hear when CJ doesn't sleep, when he's sick, when he's been fussy all day, etc, etc, etc... Some days I am exhausted and wonder: How have women all over the world done this for hundreds, nay thousands of years...?

Then, one tiny little thing happens that makes me want to do it all again... CJ says: "mama" and reaches out his little arms for me... It makes me so happy! & today it made me cry... He is the most precious gift God has ever given me... I have no idea how I will ever love another person this way... But I suppose if we are blessed with another child, I will.

May God bless you today, and if you have been blessed with children, hold them tight and thank God for the gift that not everyone has been given.

One kid = lots of stuff!

I am the kind of person who would laugh at first time parents with one baby who act like the world has been turned upside down! ... Ya, God has a sense of humor. Don't get me wrong... My son is the light of my life. He's beautiful, and he's a miracle. But let me just tell you... There is A LOT of stuff you need for a baby. We went on a weekend trip (2 days) two weeks ago and we had to pack our car to the ceiling. Here is a list of the things we "needed"...
1. Pack 'n play
2. baby bath tub
3. Boppy
4. portable hi-chair
5. 20 diapers
6. pack of wipes
7. box of rice cereal
8. 4 packs of baby veggies
9. 2 packs of baby fruit
10. 2 bags of frozen breast milk
11. breast pump
12. 1 container of Puffs
13. two baby towels
14. two baby wash cloths
15. 4 baby bowls
16. 4 baby spoons
17. 4 baby blankets
18. one large stuffed frog
19. 2 binkies
20. 2 pairs of jammies
21. 4 outfits
22. lots of toys
23. Floppy seat
24. Baby lotion
25. Aspirator
26. Vicks baby rub
27. Baby Tylenol
28. Teething tabs
29. teething rings
30. bibs

Now, that doesn't even include the stuff Juan & I needed... So, maybe you can understand why we decided it's time for a bigger car... Juan had plenty of room in the driver's seat, but I was smashed in the back seat with no leg room, trying to entertain Carter (who still screamed pretty much the entire time we were in the car)... ya, it sucked. We SO need a van... (Luckily the visit was super nice and relaxing...)

Which brings me to this week... We posted our car on Craigslist and got lots of calls right away... had two offers Sunday, and decided to accept the first one we got... Meanwhile, we found a van that we L-O-V-E love! Went to our bank, applied for a loan, got pre-approved with the condition that we sell our car first... No problem!... Fast forward to today: the dude that we agreed to sell our car to gets all weird when I tell him our bank prefers a cashier's check rather than a personal check (which would take 5 days to clear), then suddenly he starts acting all shady... apparently he was going to try to rip us off... so, car not sold; van not bought. I was really upset! I AM really upset!... trying to get over it. Hopefully we'll sell our car soon so we can get some more room because until we do, I'm not traveling...

SO, I guess I'm now that mom that's world(or car) has been turned upside down by one baby...

Birth Control...?

Sorry it has been so long since I blogged...

I vividly remember my postpartum check up (6 weeks after CJ was born). The nurses were ooo-ing and ahhh-ing over CJ, and then the dreaded "check"... Everything was fine! :) Whew!... I was given the "green light" so to speak, and what is the first question the doctor asks: "What type of birth control would you like?..." Seiously??? You have been my doctor for 5 years, and I've never been on birth control. It took us forever to get pregnant. We miscarried the first time. Why would I want birth control? She explained to me that my body really needs at least one year to recover from the pregnancy before having another. My thought: "If that's what my body needs, I'm sure God can take care of it..." She continued to try to convince me that I "needed" it...

Well... It's been nearly 8 months without birth control, and guess what? I'm not pregnant! So glad I didn't let myself be pressured into getting it. Although it may not be popular opinion, I happen to think that God is in control of my body, and has already planned the births of our children (all of them, however many there may be), and I don't think a silly little pill can change anything as far as creation goes... I know most people don't agree, but that's just how I feel about it. My form of birth control: Prayer. I ask God to give us time with CJ, ask him to prepare us for what's to come, and trust that his plan is better than mine, and accept whatever happens. We would be delighted to be pregnant again anytime, but we are also happy to have this special time w/ CJ.

A couple common questions make me giggle:
-When are you going to have another one?
-How many are you going to have?

I know most people have answers to these questions, but we simply don't. And I like that. The easiest answers are:
-Whenever God brings another.
-However many God trusts us with.

SO, we will see how his plan unfolds for our lives and our family. I am excited for growth, but content with the family we have now.

May God bless you today.