You're Loved

I hope you, whoever you may be, read the title of this blog entry and realize that it is true.

I am up much too late, battling anxiety and trying to meditate on this scripture:

Philippians 4:8

New International Version (NIV)

8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

I am overwhelmed thinking about Juan. My handsome, hard-working, Hulk of a husband. He LOVES me! HE loves ME! It is so hard to understand why. Before Juan, I never felt loved in a relationship. I constantly felt undeserving, waiting for him (whoever he was) to realize what a terrible person I was and run for the door, and every single time, he did! I began to believe that marriage just wasn't going to happen for me. And then along came Juan. He was the most unexpected blessing. He never once made me feel like I wasn't good enough for him. He never made me feel like a waste of his time. He never made me feel stupid or ugly. He was always kind, loving, understanding, and interested. To this day (almost 10 years later), I am amazed that this beautiful man loves me. God has given me so much more than I deserve in him. So today, I am going to focus on the fact that God loves me, and he gave me a husband who loves me.

So ladies, if you are unmarried, please know that you, too, are loved. You do not need to settle for just "anyone", but need to wait for "THE ONE". If you have any doubt, he's not right. If he makes you feel bad about yourself, he's not right. Hold out! It is SO worth it!

It's Funny What We Remember

As most of you know, I've become a Pampered Chef independent consultant. I love their products and love being able to cook & help support our family! However, looking through our new catalog tonight brought back a memory of my mom...

She was always being invited to "parties"... You know, the "girls' night"s... It was either Tupperware, Charms (for those linking bracelets), Jafra, Mary Kay, and THE PAMPERED CHEF! And she was a kind party-goer... Even if she wasn't "in to" whatever the products were being sold, she'd always buy something. The one Pampered Chef show I remember her going to, she came home with the Ice Cream Dipper (p.58 of the new catalog). I remember she was going on and on about that thing, and It has really lasted (still in my dad's kitchen, I believe) and it is awesome! I NEED to buy one of those!

I know this is totally random, but God gave me a nice little link to my Mom in my new business. It's amazing how he can pick us up when we're feeling down about something and show us that we're on the right track!

On an unrelated note, My Dad & sister will be moving to Fresno next month! It's going to be so weird & cool to be able to see my Dad anytime I want!!! It's been nearly 7 years since I could do that!

A quick pic of my cutie pie! 13 months old now.......................

Singing Carter to sleep

Singing is something very special... very emotional, and since my mom died: very difficult for ME.

When I was a child, my Mom had a very special bedtime routine for us. Most children's parents would read them a book and tuck them in... My Mom would pray with us, and then we got to choose any song we wanted and she'd sing us to sleep. It was the BEST thing ever... And so effective that even after I moved out of my parents' house, when I'd have trouble falling asleep, I'd sing and it'd calm my mind enough for me to go to sleep. After hearing this, you might be thinking: "she must sing Carter to sleep..." Well, I haven't because every time in the last 13 months that I've tried, I end up crying which is not soothing to him at all, and then I just become a wreck, which is not a positive thing... Well, last night, I tried again, and I was able to get through an entire song w/out crying (I honestly can't even sing in our worship service at church w/out choking back tears), and guess what? Carter fell right to sleep. It was easier to test it out since Juan wasn't home (he was at bible study), but tonight I was nervous because he was home, but I tried again & success! 

It's funny how something can make me SO happy & SO sad at the same time. I love that I'm sharing one of my favorite things about my mom w/ Carter, but I hate how much it reminds me of the fact that she's not here. I know if she was, she'd be singing to him all the time. And what a beautiful voice she had; unlike any other I've ever heard... 

Thank you God for the gift of song you gave my Mother, and thank you for giving me the strength to sing to my son. I don't know of a better way to express myself, but it certainly isn't easy.

Stuff I Love

This is kind of random, but people are always asking questions like: "What's your favorite diaper rash cream?" or "What skin care line do you use?" SO, I thought I'd make it into a post! Here are the products that I use exclusively (meaning I NEVER substitute these things)

Baby Stuff:
Diaper rash cream: Arbonne Herbal Diaper Rash Cream which you can find here!
Diapers: HUGGIES!!! (little snugglers, little movers, and now snug & dry)
Wipes: HUGGIES!!! (Naturally Refreshing)

Mommy Stuff:
Skin care line: Mary Kay Timewise Miracle Set -- here!
Mascara: CoverGirl Professional All-In-One Mascara -- here!
Makeup: Mary Kay (everything from foundation, mineral powder, blush, eye shadow, eye liner, lip liner, lip stick, lip gloss... everything except mascara)
Lip Balm: Burt's Bees -- here!
Hairspray: TRESemme Smooth & Silky Finishing Spray -- here!
Deodorant: Dove Ultimate Go Fresh Revive -- here!

Our birth story... Can't believe it's been a year!

A first birthday! I have heard lots of opinions on the subject... Everything from: don't have one, they won't remember, to: it's the biggest, most important birthday, you have to go all out! I think we have comfortably settled somewhere in the middle. We absolutely want to celebrate Carter's first birthday & ALSO celebrate that Juan & I have successfully completed a year of parenthood (which is crazy hard, and ridiculously rewarding)! We are having a backyard pool party/bbq (although based on our rsvps we are probably just going to boil the dogs to save time). Juan is currently doing yard work to make our pretty plain yard an enjoyable birthday party yard... we'll see! ;) I have been busy making Carter's Happy Birthday sign myself (to save money, but my my my, it sure is not saving time), hopefully it will turn out as great as I'm hoping! (I did, however leave out the "1st" in the sign so it just says: "Happy Birthday Carter!", which will allow us to reuse it and justify the massive amount of time it's taking...) We also did the food/drink/paper product shopping yesterday, and I think it's funny that people look at us like we're going to eat 125 hot dogs and 10 2 liters of soda... hello! We're having a party, don't judge Winco checker! Enough about that, here's our birth story as I remember it:

1. Monday, August 9, 2010 @ 2:05 pm: water breaks (when Juan finally got home about 30 minutes later, it took us over 2 hours to pack our bag, which we didn't use. At all!)
1. 5:00pm: arrive @ Saint Agnes Medical Center, check in, and are directed to sit in the hall way to wait to be checked (in a platic chair, while amniotic fluid is pouring out of me... we sat there for about 4 hours, I believe, meanwhile, they took in 3 women for non-stress tests who were NOT in labor, I wanted to kick someone in the face. Although, luckily I was only really feeling my contractions in my back, and it wasn't too painful. yet.)
2. FINALLY got "checked" to see if I had in fact ruptured (which made me mad, but I know they "have to" do that) around 9pm. My water had, in fact, broken, but I was only dilated to a 1, which put me as a low priority to get into a room, so I hung out in triage on a very hard, small gurney, the frustration builds...
3. I think I finally got into a room around 10pm, and was quickly checked, told I wasn't progressing, and was promptly hooked up to a pitocin (sp?) drip... THAT is when the real pain began for me... My contractions went from being several minutes apart and not too painful to about a minute or two apart and insanely painful! I also had to pee a lot, so I was back & forth to the restroom, with Juan "walking" me there, as I had several contractions on the way there & back. Although every time I got to the bathroom, it was such a relief to sit on the toilet that I didn't want to go back to the bed. Each time Juan had to convince me to get up and walk back. This continued w/ family & friends streaming in and out for a few hours, before it got REALLY intense.
4. Around 3am my nurse checked me again to find that I was only at a 2! Seriously? I had been in labor for 13 hours with little to no progression and I was in crazy pain! With each contraction I became more tense, and tired, and scared. And at this point I had had no drugs at all (which is what we wanted), but the nurse was beginning to suggest that I consider either some pain meds or an epidural. She explained that the clock was ticking (24 hours after water breaks, that baby needs to be out), and she didn't want to see me have a c-section. I told her I was fine, and she left the room. It was at this point that Juan told me: "you are going to get one of the two, so decide." He could see what I couldn't: I wasn't breathing through my contractions AT ALL, I was just tensing up and holding my breath, and not allowing my body to do what it was supposed to. We talked more to the nurse about the risks for the baby, and after hearing that the pain meds (which I was leaning towards) would transfer to Carter, I hesitantly decided to have an epidural (at about 4 am). It was AMAZING! I know some people probably think I "cheated", but it really saved our labor.
5. Within 30 minutes (after repeatedly thanking the Anesthesiologist and telling him he's amazing and whatever he's being paid, it isn't enough), I was asleep. (so was Juan) We got to sleep for a solid 3 hours. That 3 hours felt like 3 days; the BEST sleep I've ever had! My nurse came in to check me around 6:50 or so for the last time (as her shift ended at 7am). She wasn't expecting much, but was hoping I'd be around a 4 or 5 since I was able to relax for a few hours. To her surprise, I was at a 10! After all my hard work, all my body need was sleep to progress. She quickly left the room to call the dr.
6. She came back and explained that my Dr wanted me to "labor down" since it was my first delivery and she didn't want me to tear from trying to push too soon. She said the Dr was on her way, but there was no rush. Then, she opened the curtains to let the light of the sun in. Which, of course (if you are at all familiar w/ my pregnancy), prompted me to throw up, twice. She decided to check me one last time before leaving for the day, only to find that I was crowning. She said that the muscles used in vomiting are similar to those used to "push" during labor, well, yeah... that worked. She explained that her shift was over and that the new nurse was here and my Dr should be arriving shortly...
1. It was at this point that the family (my sis Sarah & my aunt Janie) came up as it was finally "morning", to see how we were doing, only to find out that it was "GO" time.
2. The new nurse came in (I didn't care for her much, but oh well...) She asked if everyone in the room was staying... I looked up at sarah & janie & I swear they both had: "please don't make us leave" looks on their faces, so I said they could stay, but that they'd have to stay up by my head. 
3. Suddenly the room turned into quite a busy place. Lots more equipment, nurses, lights, etc. Busily rushing around setting things up. Once everything was set, the new nurse decided we should try a couple "practice" pushes (this was around 7:30am). She pulled the bottom out of the bed, got my legs up in the stir-ups, Juan holding one leg, and I have no idea who was holding the other. and then she pulled the sheet all the way up and off my legs. I quickly grabbed that blanket and held it up over my knees (trying to be modest always), and she said: "honey, that can't stay there..." But I still held it there as long as I could... After practicing pushing once, she said I didn't need practice! And, that we better wait til the dr gets there to try again.
4. That must've been her cue, because in she walked. She took one look and got her "catching gear" on. My dr told me that I was ready to push, and wanted me to pace myself (as w/ first babies, women can be pushing for hours). We waited for my next contraction to begin, and then I pushed w/ everything I had. She said I did a good job, and we waited for the next contraction. I pushed one more time and she said I was going to need an episiotomy (those were the dreaded words...), she got set up for that, and I told her to please tell me before she does it because I don't want to be shocked by the pain. At that, she informed me she was already done. Ok, one more push, and we will have a baby! I pushed one more time w/ all that I had, and out came Carter's head, which she let me touch. I pushed a bit more and out came his shoulders, and then the rest of his body. Everyone was happy and crying, and Juan looked stunned. I kept asking: "is he a boy? he's a boy, right?" finally she turned him around so I could see all of him! then put him up on my chest; all bloody, and yucky. He was the most beautiful little mess I'd ever seen.
5. I got to hold him for awhile before they took him over to the sink to clean him up while I got stitched up. Then Juan brought him back over to me... He was SO tiny. Smaller than any baby I'd ever seen before... but SO long and he had the cutest little feet. He also had SO MUCH hair! he had hair all over his head, face, ears, back, etc... Juan said: "I've never seen a baby w/ side burns before"... The proud daddy quickly took video of Carter on the warmer and uploaded to FB to share our little guy w/ the world near and far! He was 5 lb. 14 oz. 19 3/4 in. long... And perfect in every way!

What a journey... and here we are a year later! Can't believe my tiny little baby boy is a giant nearly 1 year old now! Happy Labor day! ;) And tomorrow: Carter's first birthday!

more hospital pics below:

To Infinity & Beyond!

Well, let me just say it: I suck at keeping up w/ this blog... It was cathartic in the beginning, and now, my kids is ALL over the place all the time, and although I have lots of blog thoughts throughout the day, the truth is: nothing seems all that profound or share-able... BUT, here's what's going on with us:

Juan sold his business! Wahoo! Out from under what he was beginning to see as a dead end. Now, he is looking for a job. Hoping for a management position, possibly in retail or restaurant... He would like to work for a company that has great pay, benefits (for whole fam), paid vacation, etc. We are praying for God to make a way for us, as he always has. For now, Juan is working on his honey-do list and rocking it out! I am enjoying having him around (as he's been working crazy hours since Carter was born). Carter is getting super spoiled w/ all the Daddy time; wondering how he's going to deal when Juan does go back to work...? Our laundry is done! Like all washed, dried, folded, and put away in 1 day! That would not be possible w/out Juan home. And: I am getting to cook 3 meals a day-- also was SO not happening when Juan was working.

I am working out! Hate to admit it since there is no apparent evidence of it in my body yet. BUT putting it out there provides some element of accountability. I am walking every morning (w/ Carter in our awesome new jogging stroller), 1-2 miles or so a day. Also, doing Turbo Jam (don't judge). I got the dvds a LONG time ago, and am just now using them. Realizing that my body is a temple and I have not been treating it that way. I want to be healthy and active and HAPPY w/ my body. I don't think I have EVER been happy with my body... even in high school when I was in great shape I felt fat and ugly... Well, no more! I am going to work hard to get the healthy body that God designed and stop hiding behind this fatty crap. (wow... that's more than I planned to share)

Carter is going to be 1 next month! How did that happen?... My baby is ginormous! He has switched from baby food to table food in the last week. One day he just refused to be fed. He is doing really well w/ table food. Mostly veggies, fruit, cheese, meat, yogurt, cereal, noodles, etc. He is "walking" a bit. On Sunday he took 4 step 2 separate times. I am just waiting for the day that he will just stand up and walk across the room to me. He is super smart and funny. He has just starting a fake laugh. Which is SO freakin' hilarious. If we are laughing he will do his little fake laugh w/ a total cheese face that shows he knows exactly what he's doing. Also, he has started to "share" his food with Coal. He will eat a couple peas, then ever so subtly (so he thinks) he will hang his hand over the side of his high chair tray and drop one on the ground to Coal who is waiting less-than-patiently below. It is super cute, but I also know he shouldn't be doing that...

Well, as I type he has woken from his nap and is yelling: "mamamamamamama!!!!!!!" So, now you know why I don't blog often anymore! :)

Love to you all, may God bless you today!

Here's the little cutie himself in his toy basket &  not so sure about it....

Tomorrow; Disbelief

I just went through some pictures of my mom, and I found myself just staring at her asking: Where are you?... She looks so happy and healthy & like she's about to say something. It's still unbelievable to me that she's gone. Tomorrow will be 2 years since she left this earth... My grandpa's memorial service brought back so many memories of my mom's and it was pretty hard to bare. I can only imagine how my dad & his sisters & of course my grandma must've been feeling. I just keep thinking: How can this be? Logically, I know she's gone; I saw her die... BUT: that wasn't my mother lying in that bed, it was a shell of her... I miss her so much it hurts today. Looking at pictures of her holding me when I was just a baby... I realize how much she loved me (even when I was in high school and was sure she just wanted me to be miserable because she wouldn't let me go somewhere or do something I wanted). The love between a mother and her child is like nothing I've ever felt. I wish I could just see her one more time. Or hear her sing... Oh to hear her sing again! Most kids' mothers read them stories at bedtime, you'd go pick your favorite book and crawl up in her lap as she read to you. My mom let us choose any song we wanted and she'd sing us to sleep. Gosh, I miss that. And I miss knowing exactly what song the choir would be singing and what songs were going to be part of worship on Sunday-- because Mom had been playing them on the piano all week long and singing and teaching them to us. I miss when my dad would go out of town and it was GIRLS NIGHT at our house. We'd get to pick out girly movies, treats, and even sleep in bed w/ my Mom (which never happened otherwise...) I remember her cheering at my basketball games, and I knew it was her because she couldn't get the normal sports fan yell out, it always sounded so dainty: "Weouw!"... not even sure how to spell her cheering sound... I remember the countless hours she spent "prinping" us for church... bath, blow dry, comb, sponge rollers, curling irons, more brushing... it was painful and I hated it, but secretly, I loved it. I remember watching her do her makeup every morning, sitting on her bed, w/ a handheld mirror (which is how I've always done mine, too...), she took such care to make sure everything was perfect. I miss all these things. Mom, my life is not the same without you. I miss you every day and wish I could just see you, or hear your voice.

Grandpa

My Grandpa is the kind of man who everyone seems to know, or know of.... He was a preacher (the best I've seen/heard, and I've heard a lots of good preaching!).

He was what you might call "strict". He had very high standards for himself, his children, his grandchildren, your children, you... you get the picture. I remember learning about "the fear of the Lord" and wondering why we should fear someone that was supposed to be so loving, who wanted only the best for us, who was so perfect and good...? And I don't remember if someone told me this or I just came up with it on my own (at roughly 6 years of age), but my Grandpa became an example of "holy fear" at work. I knew he loved me, but I also knew he'd spank me if I stepped out of line. He was a no nonsense kind of guy.

Then there was a completely different side of him; the one I'd see whenever my Grandma walked into the room. He suddenly turned to sappy mush. He called her "mama", "sugar", "sweetheart", "my bride", and others I'm sure, I just can't think of them right now... And have you ever seen a couple in their sixties with the wife sitting on the husband's lap while watching t.v. or reading the paper? How bout seeing a man in his 70s pat his wife on the bottom? They were the PERFECT example of a love that never ends... They were so much in love and it was so obvious. He adored her. I don't know how many times he had to propose to her before she finally said yes. They were like something you think would only exist in movies.

He was also very generous. When I took Juan for the "meet the family" trip the first time, his car broke down in Los Angeles and he didn't have the cash to get it fixed. He was going to try to arrange to have it towed to Fresno, I believe, but without telling Juan my Grandpa had taken care of it. Had it repaired and paid for it all. He did things like this regularly... and usually quietly. He also generously offered to pay to have my tattoos removed, but that's a different story...

He was a huge sports fan! He came to several of my & Sarah's basketball games (mostly Sarah's since she played a lot longer than I did and was MUCH better), and keep in mind they lived in Long Beach at the time and we are in Fresno. He did the same for all of our cousins. He was present and supportive and motivating, and sometimes a bit vocal (which my Dad obviously picked up, which you'd know if you'd ever been to one of my or my sisters' games/meets).

He was also a man of routine. Same breakfast every day (half of a grapefruit), read the paper cover to cover (in near silence), had the same food in the fridge/cupboard/pantry every time we went to visit (I know that's probably more Grandma than Grandpa, but still). We could always count on individually wrapped mini boxes of breakfast cereal, home-made chex mix, and raisin bread.

He knew a lot about a lot and taught me some about some...

He was very special to me. My most treasured picture w/ him was when I was about 4 years old and I was sitting on his lap while he read me a story... If I can find it, I'll post it later...

Did I Eat Today?!...

As a busy Mommy, I often find myself wondering around 5:30 (when I'm making CJ's dinner) if I've eaten all day. It's usually around 5 or so that I start feeling a little light-headed, tired, and shaky and I have to replay my day in my mind. It usually goes something like this:

-I woke up
-BF CJ
-Fed CJ solid breakfast
-Played w/ CJ while trying to clean up, check email, work, etc.
-Put CJ down for a nap
-Took a shower
-Put some laundry in
-Picked up toys in living room
-Payed bills, checked amazon for next diaper shipment, FB... always FB throughout the day
-Got CJ up from nap
-BF CJ
-Fed CJ solid lunch
-Watch THE TALK
-Play w/ CJ (try to practice walking, talking, etc)
-Look at the clock and realize Daddy will be home soon & scramble to get the house picked up so he doesn't come home to a complete mess of a house
-Put CJ down for nap
-Figure out what to make for dinner
-Talk with Juan about his day
-Make any necessary work plans (meetings, shows, phone calls, etc)
-Get CJ up from his nap
-Skype (w/ Dad, Hannah, Sarah, or Megan)
-Make dinner for CJ
-Make dinner for us....

Nope! Didn't eat today... Dang!

And I know: It's so important to eat while breastfeeding, since CJ is pulling so much of his nourishment from my body! (believe me, I know!... that's why I am so weak by the end of the day)

SO here's to remembering to eat! Oh, and to drink water! Lots and lots of water!!! I will try to be better about this...

Clearly he's being fed! :)

Ever wonder if you're THAT person...?

I have been constantly wondering that lately...  By that person I mean: the person who's not quite right... that you are nice to, but don't really click with... that you "know" but don't really want to know... Someone who complains too much or is just plain annoying... someone that you are kind to because you feel guilty not doing so... a "project"... someone who you know doesn't have it all together... not the brightest crayon in the box... or the sharpest tool in the shed... someone whose calls you dread and whose emails you "lose"... the person who calls to invite you to something and you can always think of an excuse not to go... someone who's just weird or makes you feel weird but you can't quite put your finger on why... someone you have to walk on egg shells around... who says things that make you cringe... whose parenting is disappointing... whose house is never clean enough, and cooking is never good enough... someone who just needs help, but you are SO not the person to give it... I would venture to guess that we all have someone in our lives who falls into this category, and we avoid them like the plague, but do you ever stop to wonder if for someone else, it's YOU?... It's ME... I hope I'm not that person, but if I am, I'm sorry... and you can be honest with me... i'm not made of mooshy marshmallow cream or fragile eggs... I can take it.

Where do the days go?...

Well.........
You may have noticed that I haven't been blogging much lately. That's because I have a nine month old who keeps my hands full! I used to watch the clock all day waiting for the end of the work day when Juan would be coming home... Now, I am surprised when I hear his truck pull in the driveway, because I realize that another day is gone. Most days I forget to eat lunch because Carter is such a busy bee. He wakes up around 8, I breastfeed him, then we play until 9, and he eats his "solid" breakfast (oatmeal and fruit)
(sorry i had to take a break as he is grabbing the laptop & climbing up on my lap...)
then we play until 10 or 10:30, then it's nap time (which has only been lasting about 30 minutes for the past week or so), that nap time is when I eat, clean up a bit, fold laundry, decide what I'm going to make for dinner and take out any nec

Bye Bye Civic...

Well, the day has come. We FINALLY found a buyer for our car (actually she found us), and we have said good-bye. Luckily it's a friend, so we feel good about it. After over a month of trying to sell it, countless people coming to look at it, "selling" it 3 times--only to have it fall through, and lots of headaches... It is finished. We had a great ride w/ this car... We bought her right around the time we got married (our first "new" car purchase), we drove her to six flags countless times, to L.A. lots, to Davis lots, many many trips to Target, lots of late-night weinerschnitzel runs while i was preggo, drove her to the hospital after my water broke, and then nearly 48 hours later, drove our precious baby boy home from the hospital in her. And every step of the way, she ran perfectly, not a hiccup or problem... ran smoothly and beautifully, a true gem of a car... and now she begins the next phase of her journey... a new home, a new "mommy", and I know she will be well cared for and loved. Here are a few photos of our beautiful girl...

She was a great car! Enjoy her Amanda, she's been good to us, and we know she'll be good to you, too! :)

Sleepless... for a reason (WARNING: not for the faint of heart)

I know exactly why I am not sleeping... It's because of what I see every time I close my eyes to go to bed at night...

I see my mother in a hospital bed in ICU--one eye taped shut, shriveled up to a skeleton of a person. I fall into my dad's arms just sobbing in disbelief; how could she have gotten this bad so fast...? She can't talk, eat, or even really move. She's not there... she doesn't know I'm there. I remember standing around her bed with my sisters singing some of our favorites of "her" songs all night long. I remember showing the nurses pictures of my mom on my wedding day and they couldn't believe she was the same person. I remember trying to talk to her when no one else was in the room, hoping for some kind of tv moment when she'd squeeze my hand, and I'd know she really heard me; that never happened. I remember the nurses changing the sign on her door to one that said "life transition" or something like that... basically alerting the staff of her "condition" which was dying... any day, any hour, any minute... I remember when the nurse stopped coming to empty her catheter bag because her kidneys had failed and there was no more urine to collect; the little fluid in the bottom of the bag turned to a kind of burnt orange color. I remember her fingers turning blue and the nurse rolling up wash clothes to put in her hands so that they wouldn't go totally stiff, her hands were ice-cold. I remember thinking over and over again: "this is not my life... this is not my mom..." I remember my dad playing her album over and over again... hearing her voice as she laid there dying made it feel like maybe, just maybe, part of her was still there... I remember trying to make as many jokes as possible, in hopes that I wouldn't cry in front of anyone. Didn't want to be a burden, didn't want to be weak, and frankly, didn't want to talk about my "feelings" or answer any deep questions. I could find my way around that hospital in the dark, blindfolded and with my hands tied behind my back. I remember watching the clock for days, checking to see how long of a pause there was between each of her breaths (the nurses explained to us that her breathing would slow gradually until it just stopped, and soon after her heart would stop). I remember the loud rattling sound that came from her lungs every time she took a breath as they filled with fluid... I remember the moment she took her last breath... waiting for the next to come (still timing)... but it never did. I remember the nurse coming in and calling the "time of death"... it was just before midnight on July 1, 2009... I remember the look on my Dad's face when he realized it was all over; she was gone. I have never seen that look before-- on anyone. And then when everyone cleared the room... I was busily picking up-- snacks, trash, cups, cans, bedding from the cots in the room, her belongings, etc., while my Dad was telling me to stop... I remember him finally covering her with a sheet when he couldn't bare to look at her empty body anymore... And then the nurse asking if we wanted to wait until the funeral home came to "take the body"...

SO... there you have it. That's why I can't sleep-- My mom dies every time I close my eyes, and there's still nothing I can do about it. I wish I could just talk to her one more time. Or see her in heaven, with a smile on her face, and healthy... My brain doesn't generally go back to the positive images of when she was well and happy... why is that?!... So off I go, to relive it again and again... luckily Juan is a heavy sleeper and never wakes up as I cry myself to sleep most nights... and then, just as I finally drift off, the baby cries and we rewind the tape...

So those of you that are sweet enough to try to make me feel better about Mother's Day... this is why, right now, I just can't. Maybe some day. But not this year. And trying to focus on the fact that I'm now the mother just makes it even more difficult. I never have to buy another Mother's Day card. Ever.

Random thoughts...

Carter is TOO big...
Mother's day just sucks.
My husband works too hard...
I love that it's getting hot for one reason: We get to teach CJ to swim!!! (hoping he'll love the water... my parents had us in the water as babies and we have never had a fear of water and have always known how to swim, and I think that's pretty dang important)
Summer also means: WEDDINGS & baby showers... and baby birthdays... WOW, CJ will be one in August! Craziness....
My Dad needs to sell his house... it's been on the market for almost a year... ugh.
I am so grateful for internet.
Being a stay-at-home-mom has made me much more personally involved in T.V. characters' lives (i.e. Michael Scott)
Our church is pretty dang amazing... The only church I know that really has "home grown" ministers/pastors... it's great to see people leading our church that I've grown up with... It helps a REALLY big church seem smaller...
The Talk is the best daytime show on broadcast tv... period. (so i think)
Elmo has magical powers.
Juan reminds me of Samson from the bible... ALL that hair & so strong... makes me kinda want to cut it and then ask him to carry something heavy...
Caffeine is crazy
I want another baby... or want this one to stop growing...
I am so glad I have a dog!
You know what happens once Summer comes? Big Brother...
You know what would be the perfect job for me?... Planning/organizing parties... if only I had the education and time to do that, that would be SO fun!
I had a dream that I met Leah Remini yesterday... she was nice.
The only way for me to get CJ to let me cut his finger/toenails is by playing The Office theme song over and over again... it's the only thing that will stop him in his tracks every single time

Okay... done rambling.
May God bless you today.

The Office

I love this show... I mean LOVE... and last night was Michael Scott's last day... It was so sad. I really felt like I was losing a friend... I'm pathetic. But in case you missed it, here's a link to watch it... When I really lost it was when he said good-bye to Jim...

Nothing a little poop can't fix...

How ya feelin' today?... I was feelin' great! got some laundry done, showered before 6pm, had a super fun playdate w/ our friends from church... CJ went down like a champ for his nap as soon as we got home (although it was about 30 minutes later than usual)... I was feeling a bit like the wonder I've heard of called: "super mom"... until: CJ woke up from his nap! I didn't realize that we were so busy at the park that I never changed his diaper, and I put him straight down for a nap as soon as we got home, which means his last diaper change was at 10:40, and it was now 2:45... that makes for a VERY full diaper... and unfortunately for me, it was FULL of poop. And, of course, I decided to change him on the living room floor. I kid you not, the second I opened his diaper, poop went everywhere! CJ decided to roll over at that moment which made it spread even more... Needless to say, there is about a 2'x2' square of carper in my living room that is marked off because it is wet from being soaked, scrubbed, soaked, and scrubbed... Just when I was started to get a little skip in my step... Dang you poop!!! Here's a picture I thought was fitting for this post...

and roar it did...

May God bless you today...

Why it's all worth it...

If you are my FB friend, you hear all the good, bad, and ugly that's going on in my life (for the most part)... you heard when we were trying to conceive the first time, when we lost our first baby, when I lost my mom soon after.. You heard when I was puking every day (during 2nd pregnancy), when my water broke 4 weeks early, when labor seemed to take forever & hurt so bad, now you hear when CJ doesn't sleep, when he's sick, when he's been fussy all day, etc, etc, etc... Some days I am exhausted and wonder: How have women all over the world done this for hundreds, nay thousands of years...?

Then, one tiny little thing happens that makes me want to do it all again... CJ says: "mama" and reaches out his little arms for me... It makes me so happy! & today it made me cry... He is the most precious gift God has ever given me... I have no idea how I will ever love another person this way... But I suppose if we are blessed with another child, I will.

May God bless you today, and if you have been blessed with children, hold them tight and thank God for the gift that not everyone has been given.

One kid = lots of stuff!

I am the kind of person who would laugh at first time parents with one baby who act like the world has been turned upside down! ... Ya, God has a sense of humor. Don't get me wrong... My son is the light of my life. He's beautiful, and he's a miracle. But let me just tell you... There is A LOT of stuff you need for a baby. We went on a weekend trip (2 days) two weeks ago and we had to pack our car to the ceiling. Here is a list of the things we "needed"...
1. Pack 'n play
2. baby bath tub
3. Boppy
4. portable hi-chair
5. 20 diapers
6. pack of wipes
7. box of rice cereal
8. 4 packs of baby veggies
9. 2 packs of baby fruit
10. 2 bags of frozen breast milk
11. breast pump
12. 1 container of Puffs
13. two baby towels
14. two baby wash cloths
15. 4 baby bowls
16. 4 baby spoons
17. 4 baby blankets
18. one large stuffed frog
19. 2 binkies
20. 2 pairs of jammies
21. 4 outfits
22. lots of toys
23. Floppy seat
24. Baby lotion
25. Aspirator
26. Vicks baby rub
27. Baby Tylenol
28. Teething tabs
29. teething rings
30. bibs

Now, that doesn't even include the stuff Juan & I needed... So, maybe you can understand why we decided it's time for a bigger car... Juan had plenty of room in the driver's seat, but I was smashed in the back seat with no leg room, trying to entertain Carter (who still screamed pretty much the entire time we were in the car)... ya, it sucked. We SO need a van... (Luckily the visit was super nice and relaxing...)

Which brings me to this week... We posted our car on Craigslist and got lots of calls right away... had two offers Sunday, and decided to accept the first one we got... Meanwhile, we found a van that we L-O-V-E love! Went to our bank, applied for a loan, got pre-approved with the condition that we sell our car first... No problem!... Fast forward to today: the dude that we agreed to sell our car to gets all weird when I tell him our bank prefers a cashier's check rather than a personal check (which would take 5 days to clear), then suddenly he starts acting all shady... apparently he was going to try to rip us off... so, car not sold; van not bought. I was really upset! I AM really upset!... trying to get over it. Hopefully we'll sell our car soon so we can get some more room because until we do, I'm not traveling...

SO, I guess I'm now that mom that's world(or car) has been turned upside down by one baby...

Birth Control...?

Sorry it has been so long since I blogged...

I vividly remember my postpartum check up (6 weeks after CJ was born). The nurses were ooo-ing and ahhh-ing over CJ, and then the dreaded "check"... Everything was fine! :) Whew!... I was given the "green light" so to speak, and what is the first question the doctor asks: "What type of birth control would you like?..." Seiously??? You have been my doctor for 5 years, and I've never been on birth control. It took us forever to get pregnant. We miscarried the first time. Why would I want birth control? She explained to me that my body really needs at least one year to recover from the pregnancy before having another. My thought: "If that's what my body needs, I'm sure God can take care of it..." She continued to try to convince me that I "needed" it...

Well... It's been nearly 8 months without birth control, and guess what? I'm not pregnant! So glad I didn't let myself be pressured into getting it. Although it may not be popular opinion, I happen to think that God is in control of my body, and has already planned the births of our children (all of them, however many there may be), and I don't think a silly little pill can change anything as far as creation goes... I know most people don't agree, but that's just how I feel about it. My form of birth control: Prayer. I ask God to give us time with CJ, ask him to prepare us for what's to come, and trust that his plan is better than mine, and accept whatever happens. We would be delighted to be pregnant again anytime, but we are also happy to have this special time w/ CJ.

A couple common questions make me giggle:
-When are you going to have another one?
-How many are you going to have?

I know most people have answers to these questions, but we simply don't. And I like that. The easiest answers are:
-Whenever God brings another.
-However many God trusts us with.

SO, we will see how his plan unfolds for our lives and our family. I am excited for growth, but content with the family we have now.

May God bless you today.

Solid foods... with chunks

We have just started giving CJ baby food w/ fresh food mixed in... For example: I gave him Gerber bananas today w/ mushed fresh banana in it. For some reason, every time I give him fresh food mashed up, he chokes... He seems to try to swallow pieces whole, then choke them back up, chew a bit and swallow again. Is that normal? Will he naturally learn how to do this better or should I be waiting to add "chunkier" foods to his diet...? The other thing I've tried is avocados, same reaction. Any ideas?...