You're Loved

I hope you, whoever you may be, read the title of this blog entry and realize that it is true.

I am up much too late, battling anxiety and trying to meditate on this scripture:

Philippians 4:8

New International Version (NIV)

8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

I am overwhelmed thinking about Juan. My handsome, hard-working, Hulk of a husband. He LOVES me! HE loves ME! It is so hard to understand why. Before Juan, I never felt loved in a relationship. I constantly felt undeserving, waiting for him (whoever he was) to realize what a terrible person I was and run for the door, and every single time, he did! I began to believe that marriage just wasn't going to happen for me. And then along came Juan. He was the most unexpected blessing. He never once made me feel like I wasn't good enough for him. He never made me feel like a waste of his time. He never made me feel stupid or ugly. He was always kind, loving, understanding, and interested. To this day (almost 10 years later), I am amazed that this beautiful man loves me. God has given me so much more than I deserve in him. So today, I am going to focus on the fact that God loves me, and he gave me a husband who loves me.

So ladies, if you are unmarried, please know that you, too, are loved. You do not need to settle for just "anyone", but need to wait for "THE ONE". If you have any doubt, he's not right. If he makes you feel bad about yourself, he's not right. Hold out! It is SO worth it!

It's Funny What We Remember

As most of you know, I've become a Pampered Chef independent consultant. I love their products and love being able to cook & help support our family! However, looking through our new catalog tonight brought back a memory of my mom...

She was always being invited to "parties"... You know, the "girls' night"s... It was either Tupperware, Charms (for those linking bracelets), Jafra, Mary Kay, and THE PAMPERED CHEF! And she was a kind party-goer... Even if she wasn't "in to" whatever the products were being sold, she'd always buy something. The one Pampered Chef show I remember her going to, she came home with the Ice Cream Dipper (p.58 of the new catalog). I remember she was going on and on about that thing, and It has really lasted (still in my dad's kitchen, I believe) and it is awesome! I NEED to buy one of those!

I know this is totally random, but God gave me a nice little link to my Mom in my new business. It's amazing how he can pick us up when we're feeling down about something and show us that we're on the right track!

On an unrelated note, My Dad & sister will be moving to Fresno next month! It's going to be so weird & cool to be able to see my Dad anytime I want!!! It's been nearly 7 years since I could do that!

A quick pic of my cutie pie! 13 months old now.......................

Singing Carter to sleep

Singing is something very special... very emotional, and since my mom died: very difficult for ME.

When I was a child, my Mom had a very special bedtime routine for us. Most children's parents would read them a book and tuck them in... My Mom would pray with us, and then we got to choose any song we wanted and she'd sing us to sleep. It was the BEST thing ever... And so effective that even after I moved out of my parents' house, when I'd have trouble falling asleep, I'd sing and it'd calm my mind enough for me to go to sleep. After hearing this, you might be thinking: "she must sing Carter to sleep..." Well, I haven't because every time in the last 13 months that I've tried, I end up crying which is not soothing to him at all, and then I just become a wreck, which is not a positive thing... Well, last night, I tried again, and I was able to get through an entire song w/out crying (I honestly can't even sing in our worship service at church w/out choking back tears), and guess what? Carter fell right to sleep. It was easier to test it out since Juan wasn't home (he was at bible study), but tonight I was nervous because he was home, but I tried again & success! 

It's funny how something can make me SO happy & SO sad at the same time. I love that I'm sharing one of my favorite things about my mom w/ Carter, but I hate how much it reminds me of the fact that she's not here. I know if she was, she'd be singing to him all the time. And what a beautiful voice she had; unlike any other I've ever heard... 

Thank you God for the gift of song you gave my Mother, and thank you for giving me the strength to sing to my son. I don't know of a better way to express myself, but it certainly isn't easy.

Stuff I Love

This is kind of random, but people are always asking questions like: "What's your favorite diaper rash cream?" or "What skin care line do you use?" SO, I thought I'd make it into a post! Here are the products that I use exclusively (meaning I NEVER substitute these things)

Baby Stuff:
Diaper rash cream: Arbonne Herbal Diaper Rash Cream which you can find here!
Diapers: HUGGIES!!! (little snugglers, little movers, and now snug & dry)
Wipes: HUGGIES!!! (Naturally Refreshing)

Mommy Stuff:
Skin care line: Mary Kay Timewise Miracle Set -- here!
Mascara: CoverGirl Professional All-In-One Mascara -- here!
Makeup: Mary Kay (everything from foundation, mineral powder, blush, eye shadow, eye liner, lip liner, lip stick, lip gloss... everything except mascara)
Lip Balm: Burt's Bees -- here!
Hairspray: TRESemme Smooth & Silky Finishing Spray -- here!
Deodorant: Dove Ultimate Go Fresh Revive -- here!

Our birth story... Can't believe it's been a year!

A first birthday! I have heard lots of opinions on the subject... Everything from: don't have one, they won't remember, to: it's the biggest, most important birthday, you have to go all out! I think we have comfortably settled somewhere in the middle. We absolutely want to celebrate Carter's first birthday & ALSO celebrate that Juan & I have successfully completed a year of parenthood (which is crazy hard, and ridiculously rewarding)! We are having a backyard pool party/bbq (although based on our rsvps we are probably just going to boil the dogs to save time). Juan is currently doing yard work to make our pretty plain yard an enjoyable birthday party yard... we'll see! ;) I have been busy making Carter's Happy Birthday sign myself (to save money, but my my my, it sure is not saving time), hopefully it will turn out as great as I'm hoping! (I did, however leave out the "1st" in the sign so it just says: "Happy Birthday Carter!", which will allow us to reuse it and justify the massive amount of time it's taking...) We also did the food/drink/paper product shopping yesterday, and I think it's funny that people look at us like we're going to eat 125 hot dogs and 10 2 liters of soda... hello! We're having a party, don't judge Winco checker! Enough about that, here's our birth story as I remember it:

1. Monday, August 9, 2010 @ 2:05 pm: water breaks (when Juan finally got home about 30 minutes later, it took us over 2 hours to pack our bag, which we didn't use. At all!)
1. 5:00pm: arrive @ Saint Agnes Medical Center, check in, and are directed to sit in the hall way to wait to be checked (in a platic chair, while amniotic fluid is pouring out of me... we sat there for about 4 hours, I believe, meanwhile, they took in 3 women for non-stress tests who were NOT in labor, I wanted to kick someone in the face. Although, luckily I was only really feeling my contractions in my back, and it wasn't too painful. yet.)
2. FINALLY got "checked" to see if I had in fact ruptured (which made me mad, but I know they "have to" do that) around 9pm. My water had, in fact, broken, but I was only dilated to a 1, which put me as a low priority to get into a room, so I hung out in triage on a very hard, small gurney, the frustration builds...
3. I think I finally got into a room around 10pm, and was quickly checked, told I wasn't progressing, and was promptly hooked up to a pitocin (sp?) drip... THAT is when the real pain began for me... My contractions went from being several minutes apart and not too painful to about a minute or two apart and insanely painful! I also had to pee a lot, so I was back & forth to the restroom, with Juan "walking" me there, as I had several contractions on the way there & back. Although every time I got to the bathroom, it was such a relief to sit on the toilet that I didn't want to go back to the bed. Each time Juan had to convince me to get up and walk back. This continued w/ family & friends streaming in and out for a few hours, before it got REALLY intense.
4. Around 3am my nurse checked me again to find that I was only at a 2! Seriously? I had been in labor for 13 hours with little to no progression and I was in crazy pain! With each contraction I became more tense, and tired, and scared. And at this point I had had no drugs at all (which is what we wanted), but the nurse was beginning to suggest that I consider either some pain meds or an epidural. She explained that the clock was ticking (24 hours after water breaks, that baby needs to be out), and she didn't want to see me have a c-section. I told her I was fine, and she left the room. It was at this point that Juan told me: "you are going to get one of the two, so decide." He could see what I couldn't: I wasn't breathing through my contractions AT ALL, I was just tensing up and holding my breath, and not allowing my body to do what it was supposed to. We talked more to the nurse about the risks for the baby, and after hearing that the pain meds (which I was leaning towards) would transfer to Carter, I hesitantly decided to have an epidural (at about 4 am). It was AMAZING! I know some people probably think I "cheated", but it really saved our labor.
5. Within 30 minutes (after repeatedly thanking the Anesthesiologist and telling him he's amazing and whatever he's being paid, it isn't enough), I was asleep. (so was Juan) We got to sleep for a solid 3 hours. That 3 hours felt like 3 days; the BEST sleep I've ever had! My nurse came in to check me around 6:50 or so for the last time (as her shift ended at 7am). She wasn't expecting much, but was hoping I'd be around a 4 or 5 since I was able to relax for a few hours. To her surprise, I was at a 10! After all my hard work, all my body need was sleep to progress. She quickly left the room to call the dr.
6. She came back and explained that my Dr wanted me to "labor down" since it was my first delivery and she didn't want me to tear from trying to push too soon. She said the Dr was on her way, but there was no rush. Then, she opened the curtains to let the light of the sun in. Which, of course (if you are at all familiar w/ my pregnancy), prompted me to throw up, twice. She decided to check me one last time before leaving for the day, only to find that I was crowning. She said that the muscles used in vomiting are similar to those used to "push" during labor, well, yeah... that worked. She explained that her shift was over and that the new nurse was here and my Dr should be arriving shortly...
1. It was at this point that the family (my sis Sarah & my aunt Janie) came up as it was finally "morning", to see how we were doing, only to find out that it was "GO" time.
2. The new nurse came in (I didn't care for her much, but oh well...) She asked if everyone in the room was staying... I looked up at sarah & janie & I swear they both had: "please don't make us leave" looks on their faces, so I said they could stay, but that they'd have to stay up by my head. 
3. Suddenly the room turned into quite a busy place. Lots more equipment, nurses, lights, etc. Busily rushing around setting things up. Once everything was set, the new nurse decided we should try a couple "practice" pushes (this was around 7:30am). She pulled the bottom out of the bed, got my legs up in the stir-ups, Juan holding one leg, and I have no idea who was holding the other. and then she pulled the sheet all the way up and off my legs. I quickly grabbed that blanket and held it up over my knees (trying to be modest always), and she said: "honey, that can't stay there..." But I still held it there as long as I could... After practicing pushing once, she said I didn't need practice! And, that we better wait til the dr gets there to try again.
4. That must've been her cue, because in she walked. She took one look and got her "catching gear" on. My dr told me that I was ready to push, and wanted me to pace myself (as w/ first babies, women can be pushing for hours). We waited for my next contraction to begin, and then I pushed w/ everything I had. She said I did a good job, and we waited for the next contraction. I pushed one more time and she said I was going to need an episiotomy (those were the dreaded words...), she got set up for that, and I told her to please tell me before she does it because I don't want to be shocked by the pain. At that, she informed me she was already done. Ok, one more push, and we will have a baby! I pushed one more time w/ all that I had, and out came Carter's head, which she let me touch. I pushed a bit more and out came his shoulders, and then the rest of his body. Everyone was happy and crying, and Juan looked stunned. I kept asking: "is he a boy? he's a boy, right?" finally she turned him around so I could see all of him! then put him up on my chest; all bloody, and yucky. He was the most beautiful little mess I'd ever seen.
5. I got to hold him for awhile before they took him over to the sink to clean him up while I got stitched up. Then Juan brought him back over to me... He was SO tiny. Smaller than any baby I'd ever seen before... but SO long and he had the cutest little feet. He also had SO MUCH hair! he had hair all over his head, face, ears, back, etc... Juan said: "I've never seen a baby w/ side burns before"... The proud daddy quickly took video of Carter on the warmer and uploaded to FB to share our little guy w/ the world near and far! He was 5 lb. 14 oz. 19 3/4 in. long... And perfect in every way!

What a journey... and here we are a year later! Can't believe my tiny little baby boy is a giant nearly 1 year old now! Happy Labor day! ;) And tomorrow: Carter's first birthday!

more hospital pics below:

To Infinity & Beyond!

Well, let me just say it: I suck at keeping up w/ this blog... It was cathartic in the beginning, and now, my kids is ALL over the place all the time, and although I have lots of blog thoughts throughout the day, the truth is: nothing seems all that profound or share-able... BUT, here's what's going on with us:

Juan sold his business! Wahoo! Out from under what he was beginning to see as a dead end. Now, he is looking for a job. Hoping for a management position, possibly in retail or restaurant... He would like to work for a company that has great pay, benefits (for whole fam), paid vacation, etc. We are praying for God to make a way for us, as he always has. For now, Juan is working on his honey-do list and rocking it out! I am enjoying having him around (as he's been working crazy hours since Carter was born). Carter is getting super spoiled w/ all the Daddy time; wondering how he's going to deal when Juan does go back to work...? Our laundry is done! Like all washed, dried, folded, and put away in 1 day! That would not be possible w/out Juan home. And: I am getting to cook 3 meals a day-- also was SO not happening when Juan was working.

I am working out! Hate to admit it since there is no apparent evidence of it in my body yet. BUT putting it out there provides some element of accountability. I am walking every morning (w/ Carter in our awesome new jogging stroller), 1-2 miles or so a day. Also, doing Turbo Jam (don't judge). I got the dvds a LONG time ago, and am just now using them. Realizing that my body is a temple and I have not been treating it that way. I want to be healthy and active and HAPPY w/ my body. I don't think I have EVER been happy with my body... even in high school when I was in great shape I felt fat and ugly... Well, no more! I am going to work hard to get the healthy body that God designed and stop hiding behind this fatty crap. (wow... that's more than I planned to share)

Carter is going to be 1 next month! How did that happen?... My baby is ginormous! He has switched from baby food to table food in the last week. One day he just refused to be fed. He is doing really well w/ table food. Mostly veggies, fruit, cheese, meat, yogurt, cereal, noodles, etc. He is "walking" a bit. On Sunday he took 4 step 2 separate times. I am just waiting for the day that he will just stand up and walk across the room to me. He is super smart and funny. He has just starting a fake laugh. Which is SO freakin' hilarious. If we are laughing he will do his little fake laugh w/ a total cheese face that shows he knows exactly what he's doing. Also, he has started to "share" his food with Coal. He will eat a couple peas, then ever so subtly (so he thinks) he will hang his hand over the side of his high chair tray and drop one on the ground to Coal who is waiting less-than-patiently below. It is super cute, but I also know he shouldn't be doing that...

Well, as I type he has woken from his nap and is yelling: "mamamamamamama!!!!!!!" So, now you know why I don't blog often anymore! :)

Love to you all, may God bless you today!

Here's the little cutie himself in his toy basket &  not so sure about it....

Tomorrow; Disbelief

I just went through some pictures of my mom, and I found myself just staring at her asking: Where are you?... She looks so happy and healthy & like she's about to say something. It's still unbelievable to me that she's gone. Tomorrow will be 2 years since she left this earth... My grandpa's memorial service brought back so many memories of my mom's and it was pretty hard to bare. I can only imagine how my dad & his sisters & of course my grandma must've been feeling. I just keep thinking: How can this be? Logically, I know she's gone; I saw her die... BUT: that wasn't my mother lying in that bed, it was a shell of her... I miss her so much it hurts today. Looking at pictures of her holding me when I was just a baby... I realize how much she loved me (even when I was in high school and was sure she just wanted me to be miserable because she wouldn't let me go somewhere or do something I wanted). The love between a mother and her child is like nothing I've ever felt. I wish I could just see her one more time. Or hear her sing... Oh to hear her sing again! Most kids' mothers read them stories at bedtime, you'd go pick your favorite book and crawl up in her lap as she read to you. My mom let us choose any song we wanted and she'd sing us to sleep. Gosh, I miss that. And I miss knowing exactly what song the choir would be singing and what songs were going to be part of worship on Sunday-- because Mom had been playing them on the piano all week long and singing and teaching them to us. I miss when my dad would go out of town and it was GIRLS NIGHT at our house. We'd get to pick out girly movies, treats, and even sleep in bed w/ my Mom (which never happened otherwise...) I remember her cheering at my basketball games, and I knew it was her because she couldn't get the normal sports fan yell out, it always sounded so dainty: "Weouw!"... not even sure how to spell her cheering sound... I remember the countless hours she spent "prinping" us for church... bath, blow dry, comb, sponge rollers, curling irons, more brushing... it was painful and I hated it, but secretly, I loved it. I remember watching her do her makeup every morning, sitting on her bed, w/ a handheld mirror (which is how I've always done mine, too...), she took such care to make sure everything was perfect. I miss all these things. Mom, my life is not the same without you. I miss you every day and wish I could just see you, or hear your voice.